personal development

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Noticing my feelings and emotions

I have been noticing my reactions both physically and mentally to a situation.

I was at a weekly networking breakfast and was collared by one of the members. Her husband has applied to join the group and the rules state that only one type of each profession is permitted, and no direct competition – although there are a few businesses that cross over but offer slightly different services. Her husband is a trainer and covers a lot of what I do, so I objected on those grounds. I don’t even know the man, so I have nothing against him personally.

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Well she had printed out copies of her husband’s website and copies of mine and circled bits and pieces and told me, in no uncertain terms, that I had made a mistake and that I should go away and read these pages and come to a different decision. Not the greatest thing to be greeted with as soon as I arrived at the meeting at 06.50! I told her I would read them.

Having been working very hard on myself I have learned much more about myself and how to notice, acknowledge and deal with my feelings and emotions. So I took real notice of what my body was telling me and what my head was telling me. I noticed that I had a knot in my stomach, I felt physically sick. I was angry that I had been accosted in this fashion and with her bully boy tactics. I sat and analysed how I was feeling and what I was feeling and I was feeling anger, frustration, annoyance and I was feeling upset.

I did read the pages that had been printed out. I did not however change my mind. I wrote to the chairman of the group as follows:

‘I was very disappointed with the behaviour of this person this morning and found her attitude and bully boy tactics to be totally uncalled for. Having said that I have read through the printouts of the website that were thrust into my hand and I am still of the same opinion.

There are many things that the applicant does that I do. For instance Motivation, Dealing with Personal Stress, Mentoring, Train the Trainer, People Management, Leadership, Facilitation, Customer Care. So I am still not happy with this businesses joining our group as it will be in direct competition with me.’

Having written this email I noticed how I was feeling again. I sat and took real notice. I felt calm and collected, no longer frustrated or annoyed and I wasn’t upset any longer. It feels right to me, and I know that I am right. I object to being treated in this manner, but I am sending thoughts of love to her and shall treat her in the same way as always.

New for 2013. From confusion to clarity – Becoming ME again

I know that I have made a huge leap here in my personal growth in noticing my feelings and emotions and acting and not reacting to them.

I only wish I had known how to do this when I was going through divorce and the aftermath of divorce.  It would have been so much easier for me.

I have some availability for coaching clients, we just need to fix some dates if and when you want to get started. Get in touch today.

Maggie Currie 

Creedence – Confidence for You

International Confidence Coach, Motivational Speaker, Author

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Unblocking my emotions

I am working with my fabulous coach Heather Williams  and I have discovered I have a block. I can’t express my emotions or feel my feelings in a way that I feel is right for me. Having been brought up from a very early age to not show anger and not allowed to show emotions it has become a habit which it is now time to break. I am working on unblocking my emotions and feeling my feelings.

Heather has given me an exercise to do to work on one emotion at a time and I began with fear.

here is the exercise that Heather gave me:

Draw a doorway with the door ajar. Behind the door is your emotions. Imagine standing with your hand on the doorknob about to push or pull it right open.
What emotion would come flying out first? Write down 1 emotion you want to work on.
Imagine what you feel. Go back to a time when you felt that emotion. How it affects the body and mind, heart – feel it physically. Try and get in touch with the emotions and feelings. Write about what happens.

here is what I wrote about this experience.

The first emotion would be fear – fear of what is behind the door.

How does fear feel to me?

I remember being about 8 years old. I had been to a party for a school friend’s birthday. I had been taken to the party by my mum in the daylight. I know it wasn’t far from home, about 15 minutes by foot. The party was over and one of the parents collecting their child had a car and they said they would take me home. It was dark by now. I had never been allowed out of my street on my own, and I had no sense of direction. The person driving the car looked at me and asked me where I lived and I told her the address. She started the car and we drove around for a little while, about 5 minutes I suppose, she then asked me where the road was that I lived in, were we near it? I had no idea whatsoever as it was dark, I was small and could barely see out of the window of the car. She said I must know where I lived and where my road was. I was petrified that I would never get home and that she would think that I was stupid. I wasn’t stupid, it was just that I had no idea where home was and how to get to it. I remember starting to shake and shiver, and tears came into my eyes. I probably looked like a scared rabbit. Her child was in the car too and she was laughing at how I couldn’t find my own house. They didn’t realise that I had not be allowed out by myself anywhere and had no notion of how to get home.
I remember being frightened and embarrassed at the same time. We eventually got home and my mum said thank you to whoever it was driving and they explained that I didn’t know the way and then everyone was told that I had no sense of direction and therefore I couldn’t be let out on my own. So apparently it was my fault or so I thought at the time.

So fear to me sweaty palms, more rapid breathing, sometimes shaking and frequently the feeling that I need to wee, even though I know I don’t. I begin to feel unsure of myself and that just increases the fear and those symptoms just increase.

After doing this and sending it by email to Heather we had a chat about it via Skype – I am in UK and Heather is in Australia. So it was 7am BST and 4pm in Australia. Heather commented that she was pleased that I had written about the effects of the fear and that she felt I had connected.

This is a huge breakthrough for me. Thank you Heather. I am feeling my feelings and unblocking and expressing my emotions and loving it all.

How does fear feel to you? I know there are many other occasions when I felt fear, when I was being emotionally and psychologically abused by my first husband, going through divorce, the aftermath of divorce.

Does any of this resonate with you? Want to coach with me? Get in touch today.

Maggie Currie
Creedence – The real women’s divorce coach

Website: http://www.creedencetraining.co.uk

Email: info@creedencetraining.co.uk

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It went wrong, but it went right too!

On a peer coaching call yesterday I was tasked to record the whole thing. I knew what I had to do, I had the instructions in front of me. I dialled in as the host, I dialled *9 to record and the automated voice told me I was not authorised at this time to record this call. So that didn’t happen. Was it the end of the world? No, indeed it was not.

Gina, Heather, Teri and I had an animated conversation covering all sorts of different topics, we laughed and reconnected as we hadn’t all spoken for several weeks due to holidays and illness. We all learned something, we all taught someone something, we definitely connected and we were relaxed, trusting and open.

Sometimes things just don’t work, and maybe there is a reason for them not working, maybe it is just technology being too sophisticated, maybe it is just not meant to be.

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The gift of this situation was renewed connection with my friends in deed, a sense of belonging, trust and belief in each other and ourselves, learning from each other and of course trusting each other.

I am amazed at how far I have come. In the beginning on our weekly calls I would say very little. I would listen and absorb all that was said and all the lessons I was learning. I gradually learned that I could not only trust my friends in deed but that I could trust myself too. And that was a huge lesson for me.

Your life does not resemble anybody else's

I can now say what I think and know that it is well received, it may not always be agreed with, but where would we be without our own values and opinions?

There are so many gifts from this situation. The love and trust of friends, the learning, the teaching, the compassion, the truth, the bonds and so much more.

I may not have recorded the call for everyone to hear, but those that were on the call will remember it for some time to come.

I have some availability for coaching clients, we just need to fix some dates if and when you want to get started. Get in touch today.

Maggie Currie 

Creedence – Confidence for You

International Confidence Coach, Motivational Speaker, Author

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What do I see in the world that is awesome?

There is so much in the world that is awesome. Just looking out of my living room window I can see Hurst Castle and the Solent running between there and the Island. Further to the left there are views of Christchurch and Bournemouth, just across the water.  A myriad of boats and ships ply up and down going from who knows where to various destinations around the world.

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Further to the left are the rolling hills that shield me from Alum Bay and the Needles. Every Thursday night in August there are fireworks from the beach at Alum Bay and they are quite spectacular to watch and enjoy.

Further to the left I can see the Tennyson Monument, erected in honour of Alfred Lord Tennyson who lived at Farringford and who wrote his poetry there. Farringford House is being restored as a museum in honour of Tennyson.

Closer to me just outside the window is a farmer’s field that changes with the seasons. Sometimes there are sheep grazing in it and sometimes cows. The sheep wander up and down in rows, following the leader. The cows tend to walk in single file, still following the leader.  Often the grass is just growing.

Just across the road is a camping site for caravans and tents. This is usually full of people from May to September and the sounds of people having fun and playing rounders or football can be heard. Families come for long weekends or two-week holidays.  They bring their motor caravans, towing caravans, trailer tents or pop up tents and they are at home there for their stay.

Looking out of the window of my office at the back of the flat I can see houses and bungalows that back onto our garden. The people who live in them are going about their lives and their views from their windows are totally different.

On a broader scale in the world I see people doing simple acts of kindness, such as helping people with their shopping, visiting lonely people, taking somebody else’s dog for a walk. These little acts are awesome in themselves.

I also see and sense the change in the consciousness of the world as a whole. I see the work that I do through coaching and mentoring changing lives for the better, one life at a time, one thought at a time. This is just awesome too!

This is a far cry from when I was going through divorce and I couldn’t see any way out of my situation, let alone stop and smell the roses.  I felt total despair, lonely, frightened and unworthy.

A grateful attitude helps in times of extreme stress

I have turned my life around and learned how to coach others to do the same. I never want them to be in the position I was in with nobody to turn to.

When we take the time to be thankful for all that we have and for those who are our friends and loved ones, we find that are so many things in this world that are awesome and no doubt there are a million or more things to discover. I am enjoying the journey and the endless discoveries.

I have some availability for coaching clients, we just need to fix some dates if and when you want to get started. Get in touch today.

Maggie Currie 

Creedence – Confidence for You

International Confidence Coach, Motivational Speaker, Author

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My journey for me as a coach working with my coach

A lot of the work that I have done  has been on my emotions.  These could have been those that I am feeling now at this very moment, or at some time in the past that I have yet to acknowledge and deal with.  One of those emotions was that of guilt and/or shame and it was connected to meals I was served up by my parents.

I can remember being aged about 7 and I was sitting at the dinner table with my parents and my brother, who is three years older than me, and we were having Sunday dinner.  It was a roast with roast potatoes, vegetables and gravy.  I didn’t want to eat all my dinner for whatever reason.  So I was told by my mother that if I didn’t eat my dinner there was a child in Africa who had no food at all and who would be very grateful to get my dinner.

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Now being 7 years old I didn’t dare answer back so I gradually stuffed all the dinner into my mouth and eventually it was all gone.  All the time I was thinking to myself how on earth do they intend to pack up this roast dinner with all the vegetables, roast potatoes and gravy?  Are they going to put it in an envelope and post it to Africa?  How will they know which child will get the dinner?  What state will the food be in when it gets to Africa which is trillions of miles away? How will they know if a child in Africa has eaten it? What if that child doesn’t want it, will it be sent back to me? And so the thoughts went on.

All the while I was feeling guilty for apparently wasting food and shameful because I was depriving a child in Africa of a dinner.  And these emotions and feelings were left undealt with until I worked through them and wrote about how angry I was that they had made me eat all that food I didn’t want and resentful of that child in Africa who wanted my food.  I was hurt that this emotional blackmail was used on me.  I was afraid that if I didn’t eat all the food my parents would not love me any more and this led to me feeling insecure.  As I said I felt guilty for wasting food. But I loved my parents and I understand now that they were doing the best they could and I can now forgive them and I want them to know that I love them still and always will.

journal

Part of this learning for me was writing my thoughts and experiences in my journal. Something I was quite resistant to at first, but I have benefited so much and learned so much about me that I love it now and enjoy writing in it every day and noting my continued progress.

I have some availability for coaching clients, we just need to fix some dates if and when you want to get started. Get in touch today.

Maggie Currie 

Creedence – Confidence for You

International Confidence Coach, Motivational Speaker, Author

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A ‘safe’ place to be

I was thinking today about where a ‘safe’ place to be is for me.  I am not talking about a physical place, but somewhere in my mind I can go to relax, think, mentally re-charge and just be.  A place where my emotions are calm and all the negative stuff in the world is banished and there are no energy draining people to affect my life. And it came to me, my own parallel universe. I can create this in my imagination and build a picture that is so vivid and inviting for me.

Then I thought, how will I begin?  Should I do the location first, or should I create what I want in the location first and then create somewhere.  Do I want it to be the same every time or do I want to be able to change it around and have more or less in my parallel universe?

I am coming to the conclusion that my parallel universe will be a tranquil island with silver sands surrounded by blue, clear water.  In the water dolphins are playing.  The temperature will be ideal for me, the grass lush and green. There is a waterfall making a pleasant whooshing noise and there are brightly coloured birds fluttering around and playing with the butterflies and dragonflies.

‘Get back to me retreat’ Friday March 15th to Sunday March 17th 2013

I have a lovely garden room that has my comfy chair in it that hugs me and makes me feel so welcome, so that I can sit and relax and take in the scenery.  There are bookshelves full of books written by so many wise people for me to learn from.

That is the basis of my parallel universe and every time I go there I will see if something else needs to be added, or someone depending on what I am thinking about or which problem I am endeavouring to solve.  It may be that something needs to be taken away and put back at a later date.

I am now thinking about a name for my parallel universe. This place where I can go whenever I choose and sit and reflect and think and learn.  Nothing is coming to mind at the moment. I shall leave that idea open and see what comes to me.

Your life does not resemble anybody else's

I have some availability for coaching clients, we just need to fix some dates if and when you want to get started. Get in touch today.

Maggie Currie 

Creedence – Confidence for You

International Confidence Coach, Motivational Speaker, Author

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Learning to set my personal boundaries

Setting boundaries was difficult for me at first.  I have this innate wish to help and please other people and I have learned that this is not a good way to behave.

I learned that my behaviour was dictated by my parents who wanted me to be the person they thought I ought to be and did not allow me to be ME. They did the best they could and they meant well, they didn’t abuse me in any way, but they did dictate what I thought, who I spoke to, who I mixed with at school and who I should or shouldn’t be friends with. I was manipulated from a very small child to become who they wanted me to be, to allay their fears that I might become like my birth mother, a sixteen year old single girl who got pregnant at a fair ground by a traveller.

It has therefore taken a lot of work on my behalf and with the help of my coach to change that way of thinking and to start living my life as ME and uncovering the real ME.  This has led to some amazing realisations and huge shifts in my consciousness and my perceptions of myself and acknowledgement of my emotions which have been suppressed for so many years.

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One of these realisations is that I can live my life in my own way, not be manipulated by anyone, and not feel guilty about it. After all it is my life and I must look after me first, otherwise I can’t possibly look after anyone else.

I have been manipulated in the past by my daughter.  She uses emotional blackmail, whether she realises it or not, to get what she wants – and this is usually money.  When she and her boyfriend bought their first house I helped out with the deposit. We bought her the basics – a fridge/freezer, cooker, washing machine to go in the house.  A year or two later she and her boyfriend got married and we paid for the wedding – to be fair to her she got some very good deals and she had the day that she wanted and that was all that mattered to me for her wedding day.

She then sold her house and bought a flat.  She dumped all the kitchen stuff, fridge, cooker, washing machine and started again with new stuff in the flat they had bought.  We helped with the moving costs at her request because she had no money.

Then she gave birth to her daughter and we helped out with the usual baby stuff and a whole lot of bits and pieces too.  Then her husband decided he wanted to open a cafe and they asked if we could help with the deposit.  So we did.  The cafe failed after six months.

They decided they wanted to open a sandwich bar, could we help out with the rent – s0 we did – this too failed after a year, basically after the pre-paid rent ran out.

All of the above requests for money were to be ‘loans’.  Of course they were never repaid and ran into many thousands of pounds.

Then she gave birth to her son and they decided between them that they would have a year off working to be at home with the children.  They applied for every benefit they could and got them.  Then they sold their flat at much under the market value and moved into rented accommodation and have moved around a bit since then.

Then came requests for school uniforms for the children, as they needed more things and she had no money.  I bought some school uniform items on her behalf on the internet, again expecting to repaid, but nothing was forthcoming.

At this point I decided that if they weren’t going to help themselves then I wasn’t going to help them either.  After all she was 30 years old, married with two children.

teenage depression - teen woman sitting thinking

Inevitably this caused a rift as she felt that I was abandoning her and that I didn’t care and that I didn’t love her.  I do love her very much, I do care and I wasn’t abandoning her – she has to live her life as she wants and if that is the life she chooses then I am not responsible, and I do not judge her.

Now she is 34 years old, pregnant again, still has no money and I have agreed to buy a cot for the new baby.  I was asked if I would buy anything else too and I have said no.

Although I love my daughter unconditionally, I cannot and will not live her life for her or bail her out any more.  I have my own life to lead and my own expenses.  My boundaries are set, I am sticking to them and I am living my life as ME.  I will not be manipulated or emotionally blackmailed any more.

I cannot be held responsible for somebody else’s life, it is up to my daughter to live the life that she wants, and if this is it, so be it.  I am always here for her whenever she needs me to support her in all that she does.

This has been a very hard lesson to learn for me and when the realisation finally came that I was ME, and I had missed out on all those years of being ME because of the manipulation and emotional blackmail from my parents, my first husband, my children etc., I was at first angry and then happy because now I know that everything I am doing is for me first and when I feel good and happy then everyone around me feels the same.

I have learned  how to look after myself first and how to say no without guilt.  I have learned that my boundaries are vital to my day-to-day living and that once people are aware of those boundaries they respect them and me.  That isn’t to say that I always say no, I know when to say yes and when to say no.
I have some availability for coaching clients, we just need to fix some dates if and when you want to get started. Get in touch today.

Maggie Currie 

Creedence – Confidence for You

International Confidence Coach, Motivational Speaker, Author

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Learning to say “NO” and mean it! Looking after yourself first.

How can you respond confidently when someone makes a request of you and it really is not something you want to do?

The question has just been posed.  Pause.  Were you going to say yes, even though there’s a voice deep down saying “no”?  What possible reasons could there be for saying no?

  • It’s beyond your means?
  • It’s beyond your comfort level?
  • You have no interest?

 Identify all the reasons you have for saying “no.”  Identify which stem from a lack of confidence, which would be detrimental to you and which come from a sincere disinterest in fulfilling the request.

poutinggirl

 What would happen if you said yes?  Perhaps:

  • You would be considered ‘one of us’
  • It would make your friend happy
  • Your visibility with other people may be improved

 Would you feel comfortable with your self if you were to be say yes, even though you knew it would not be in your best interests?

 Saying “no” is hard for so many of us.  A false sense of guilt often comes into play.  Whether this guilt has its foundation in religion, a proper upbringing, or a world view that simply says “it’s not nice to say no”, we know it is there lurking in the background and make decisions  based upon it, even though deep down, we know it is not right for us.

So you have made the decision, after scientifically weighing the results of your cost/benefit analysis, to honestly say “NO”.  Practice it in the mirror. Say it clearly and self-assuredly.….in the mirror.  Look yourself in the eye, and do it.  Just say “NO.”

Say it like you really mean it, and then say it again as if you speaking to whoever asked you the question.  When you pretend you’re speaking to the person who made the request, does it come out differently?  Practice and experiment with different ways to say “NO” until you find one you’re comfortable with.

 Then go, and say “NO.”

New for 2013. From confusion to clarity – Becoming ME again

Sometimes, if you have always given in to others,  guess what happens?  After all that practice, getting the tone right and pretending you are talking to the person who asked you the question, you may just be surprised to find that they are not willing to accept it!   They may try to push you to say yes, rephrase the question, or make a new, not altogether different, request.   This is where your personal boundaries come in to play.  Know your boundary—what ARE you willing to do?  Revisit the questions you asked yourself before. If you are really serious about saying “NO”, then stick to your guns.  Tell the person making the request that you would appreciate it if they respected your wishes and boundaries, and ask them not to ask again.  If you are comfortable expressing your “reasons why” then do so speaking from your personal perspective.

 If you are going to say NO, you must say it in a way that means NO!  In a firm, yet polite voice with a firm tone.  Also, if you want to say the reasons why, keep it short and sweet.  When saying NO remember the power of non-verbal communications.  Look the person in the eye when you say the NO.  Shake your head at the same time as saying NO.  Stand up tall.

Don’t forget that when anyone asks a question of you, it is perfectly OK to say, “Can I think about that and get back to you”.   No-one should be pressurised into giving an immediate answer.  It will give you some time to think it through and to gather your thoughts.  It will also give you some time to think about how you are going to say it, the words to use and your body language.

Practice makes perfect as they say!  Remember you must look after yourself first.  This is not selfish, it is a necessity. Practice in the mirror and soon you will:

  •   feel much more confident and proud.
  •  find that practice makes perfect—the more you confidently say “NO” the easier it becomes.
  • Others will respect your wishes and take you seriously the first time you say “NO.”
  • You won’t find yourself doing things you never wanted to do in the first place.
  •  have more time to focus on the things you do want to be involved in.
  • The list goes on from there…
I have learned  how to look after myself first and how to say no without guilt.  I have learned that my boundaries are vital to my day to day living and that once people are aware of those boundaries they respect them and me.  That isn’t to say that I always say no, I know when to say yes and when to say no.  As Maia Berens says “life is a school” and I am loving all the learning and teaching.

I have some availability for coaching clients, we just need to fix some dates if and when you want to get started. Get in touch today.

Maggie Currie 

Creedence – Confidence for You

International Confidence Coach, Motivational Speaker, Author

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Redirecting your emotions

Intense emotions demand intense methods of expression.  There are many outlets for positive feelings – being creative, enjoying the fresh air, talking with friends, having fun – there are however far fewer methods for coping constructively with negative feelings of anger, frustration, fear, sadness, or stress. Consequently, such feelings can lead us to believe that we are not in control of our emotional state.

When we are backed into a mental corner, we may well lash out at the very first person we encounter.  Most of us will discover very quickly that our misdirected outpouring of fury has done nothing to relieve the pressure of our pain, in fact it has probably exacerbated it.

How do I know I am in a relationship that is bad for me?

Powerful emotions can be likened to the lava in a volcano, just waiting to erupt, temporarily held in check by an ever eroding layer of calm. Within us lies the power to direct that flood of feeling that surges forth by channelling it into productive, artistic or physically tiring activities.

Retaking control of our emotions at their height can often be very difficult.  This is because our already negative feelings can convince us, however wrongly, that others are deserving of our wrath.  But, when we consciously look for alternative ways of expressing what we feel, we will relieve our pain and use the energy of that pain to add even more value to our lives.

Anger or sadness is the inspiration that inspires us to dedicate ourselves to bringing about a change we wish to see in the world.  If we act rather than react, we will become very effective agents of positive transformation. When we channel our frustration or feelings of stress into “outside-the-box thinking” and various proactive exploits, we will discover solutions to the issues that initially left us stuck in this negative state.

And when we view fear as a sign that we need to re-examine our circumstances rather than a sign to flee, we will gain new, and possibly unexpected, insight into our lives.

Channelling your emotions into constructive action will also prevent you from reliving situations, events or even expectations that sparked your feelings in your mind’s eye.  Since you are now focusing on a goal, your pain is no longer being fed by your emotional energy and will ebb away rapidly.  You will not only avoid lashing out at others, but you will also take an active  part in your own healing process while still honestly acknowledging and honouring your feelings.

journal

Journalling helps with getting your emotions under control and will help you get your thoughts in order.  Just the act of writing down your thoughts will help you to realise where your thoughts are directed and where you may need to change some of the thoughts that are no longer serving you.

I have some availability for coaching clients, we just need to fix some dates if and when you want to get started. Get in touch today.

Maggie Currie 

Creedence – Confidence for You

International Confidence Coach, Motivational Speaker, Author

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