Do you always need to defend yourself?

Living with people who are verbally abusive or verbally aggressive can be very demanding on your time and energy. But does it have to be that way?

The abusive or aggressive person often wants you to defend yourself or explain yourself. This is abusive behaviour, controlling, demeaning and only you can decide if you are willing to tolerate it. Some people have tolerated this behaviour for many decades, probably because they are scared of what other people might say or think, scared about what would happen if they stood up to the bully, and even scared of what life would be like if they were to leave and begin a new life for themselves. Many are scared to mention it to anyone else as they are threatened with even worse treatment if they dare to tell anyone.

There is a lovely quote from Sophia Dembling:

“If you can plant yourself on solid ground in your head and heart, other people won’t be able to throw you off balance. No need to debate or justify your stance. Explain yourself if you want, but you needn’t defend yourself.”

change

 

The bully is usually sweetness and light when anyone else is around, polite and caring, but when there is nobody else there they can be constantly verbally abusive and aggressive. This is typical behaviour from a bully who, if confronted, will usually back down because they are generally cowards too. They want control of you and this is the only way they know how. And because they have got away with it for years, and because you think you can’t do anything about it, they will continue in the same way.

So, what can you do about this verbally abusive and aggressive person? You have several options available to you. You can put up with it, you can ignore it (not so easy I know), you can try and persuade the bully to go to counselling with you or you can decide you are not going to tolerate it any longer and leave the relationship. The bully will often try emotional blackmail claiming they will harm themselves if you leave.  Those that talk about it in that way rarely carry out their threats of self harm.

The excuses will roll around your head one after the other – They won’t be able to cope without me, what will I do on my own, what if…………?

They will be able to cope without you, you will survive on your own, don’t even wonder about what if….. The world will not end.

believe

You have to decide what is best for you, and only you. It is your life and you deserve to be able to live it in your way without the constant abuse and aggressiveness. The abuser has chosen their path and they are happy to be on it as they are in control of you and they know exactly what they are doing to make you unhappy and make you believe that if you were to leave them that this would happen or that would happen, and they will come out with a large range of scenarios. All of these scenarios will sound plausible, because that is what they are good at. Making you feel inadequate.

So it is up to you to decide what you want to do. Do you want to stay and be constantly verbally abused and spoken to aggressively? If not, seek some professional help so you can make an informed decision about your life.

Are you ready to make changes? Work with me to gain more freedom, more fun and have less stress. Get in touch today to find out how we can work together to move you  forward in your life.

Maggie Currie

maggieheart
Professional Transformational Coach, Consultant
Founder of MAGGIE CURRIE COACHING

Website:       http://www.maggiecurrie.co.uk

Facebook:    https://www.facebook.com/maggielifecoach/

Email:            hello@maggiecurrie.co.uk

 

Desire

What do you desire in your life?  Do you get a sense that something is missing?  

What do you desire to not be in your life? Is there something you would be glad to be rid of?

 My desire is to take the experiences of emotional and psychological abuse, toxic relationship and divorce and use them to create a catalyst for positive change. And I am doing just that.  I have created a community interest company and through this I am going to help people who have escaped from abusive relationships to move on with their lives, be more independent and be proud of who they are.  

You can take a look here at what I have created with the help of my husband and a good friend.

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I have found that it is not only possible to make a positive change, it is changing the way I see myself and the way that I am seen by others. 
 

It is my desire to move you from that place that is not great in your life to a place of enjoyment.

Everyone deserves to live their life as they want to live it and not the life that somebody else dictates to them. I am giving people the self confidence to be able to say no when it is appropriate and not to feel guilty when they do so.

 
So are you living your life the way you desire to live it?  If you are then I applaud you.  If you’re not, what are you going to do about it? 

I would love to hear from you about your desires and how you have achieved them or plan to achieve them.

Maggie Currie

maggieheart
Transformational Coach, Consultant
Founder of MAGGIE CURRIE COACHING

Website:       http://www.maggiecurrie.co.uk

Facebook:    https://www.facebook.com/Maggie-Currie-Coaching-527886050648208/?ref=hl
Email:            hello@maggiecurrie.co.uk

How do I know I am in a relationship that is bad for me?

Are you really not sure if the relationship you are in is bad for you?  Do you really think you are making a mountain our of a mole hill? 


There are many tell-tale signs of toxic relationships, but I am going to mention just some of them.  

I know that when I was allowing myself to stay in a toxic relationship that my self-esteem was non-existent; and one of the tell-tales that it really was as bad as I thought it might be was he told me that I was useless, nothing like as good as his mother and I would never be able to have a life of my own.

Here are a few of the tell-tale signs:


You are not allowed, or discouraged, to see any of your friends. So you turn down all invitations because it really doesn’t seem worth the hassle and ear bashing that will result later on. And so you lose your friends.

When you do manage to go out with any remaining friends, your partner phones your friend to make sure you are there after about an hour and makes you feel awkward.

Your partner decides you won’t wear make up because they don’t like it.

You feel like you’re always treading on eggshells around them.

You find them listening to all your conversations on the phone just in case you say something they don’t like.

Your partner moans and complains when things don’t go according to their plan; this can range from a child being ill to you not being dressed as they think you should be.

Your partner criticises your family whilst expecting you to love theirs.

Your partner puts you down not only at home but in front of other people when you are out together.

Your partner is really pleased with themselves when they have carried the washing basket into the kitchen – “look what I’ve done FOR YOU.”  They never do the washing though, that is your job.

You have begun to lose your sense of self and your self-esteem is non-existent.


Does of any of this sound familiar? Then you are in a toxic relationship, one that is bad for you. You can choose to remain in it as it is, or you can do something to change it.  You don’t have to continue living a life where your confidence and self-esteem are routinely undermined.  

You can choose to leave the relationship, or you can choose to change it.  Either way, you will have to change something about yourself. That takes courage and begins with the first step.  Seeking help. I am the help that you need. Get in touch today.

 

Maggie Currie

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The experience of divorce – my perspective

Going through divorce was one of the most unpleasant experiences of my life. I thought the process would never end and that I would end up with nothing.

Having spent 12 years of my life in a marriage that was not working, where I was emotionally abused, subject to emotional blackmail, controlled and miserable, I could take no more and filed for divorce.

I thought that it would be relatively straight forward. I had good reasons for divorce, I am female, I had three young children.  What on earth could go wrong?

A grateful attitude helps in times of extreme stress

I hadn’t accounted for the actions of my husband who would not agree to a divorce, his parents, my parents etc. I was accused of lying, of sleeping around, of being unfit to be a mother. I was threatened by my brother-in-law with a fate worse than death if I carried on with my actions. My parents-in-law didn’t want divorce in their family. And so on.

I spent nearly a year living in the same house as my husband, sleeping in separate rooms, living separate lives as I had nowhere to go and no money to go with. I hadn’t worked for 8 years as I was bringing up the children.  I couldn’t see a way out. I was miserable.

Dealing with emotional abuse

Fortunately I had a good solicitor who helped me to carry on and I persevered. In the end my husband did agree to a divorce and to ‘allowing’ me to have just enough money to buy a flat. So I looked for one, found it, received the money, bought it and moved in. I took the children and moved into my flat. I was free at last to live my life. The children went to see their father every other weekend. It felt so good to be free and to have my life back.

I have some availability for coaching clients, we just need to fix some dates if and when you want to get started. Get in touch today.

Maggie Currie 

Creedence – Confidence for You

International Confidence Coach, Motivational Speaker, Author

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My journey for me as a coach working with my coach

A lot of the work that I have done  has been on my emotions.  These could have been those that I am feeling now at this very moment, or at some time in the past that I have yet to acknowledge and deal with.  One of those emotions was that of guilt and/or shame and it was connected to meals I was served up by my parents.

I can remember being aged about 7 and I was sitting at the dinner table with my parents and my brother, who is three years older than me, and we were having Sunday dinner.  It was a roast with roast potatoes, vegetables and gravy.  I didn’t want to eat all my dinner for whatever reason.  So I was told by my mother that if I didn’t eat my dinner there was a child in Africa who had no food at all and who would be very grateful to get my dinner.

diningtable

Now being 7 years old I didn’t dare answer back so I gradually stuffed all the dinner into my mouth and eventually it was all gone.  All the time I was thinking to myself how on earth do they intend to pack up this roast dinner with all the vegetables, roast potatoes and gravy?  Are they going to put it in an envelope and post it to Africa?  How will they know which child will get the dinner?  What state will the food be in when it gets to Africa which is trillions of miles away? How will they know if a child in Africa has eaten it? What if that child doesn’t want it, will it be sent back to me? And so the thoughts went on.

All the while I was feeling guilty for apparently wasting food and shameful because I was depriving a child in Africa of a dinner.  And these emotions and feelings were left undealt with until I worked through them and wrote about how angry I was that they had made me eat all that food I didn’t want and resentful of that child in Africa who wanted my food.  I was hurt that this emotional blackmail was used on me.  I was afraid that if I didn’t eat all the food my parents would not love me any more and this led to me feeling insecure.  As I said I felt guilty for wasting food. But I loved my parents and I understand now that they were doing the best they could and I can now forgive them and I want them to know that I love them still and always will.

journal

Part of this learning for me was writing my thoughts and experiences in my journal. Something I was quite resistant to at first, but I have benefited so much and learned so much about me that I love it now and enjoy writing in it every day and noting my continued progress.

I have some availability for coaching clients, we just need to fix some dates if and when you want to get started. Get in touch today.

Maggie Currie 

Creedence – Confidence for You

International Confidence Coach, Motivational Speaker, Author

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