My journey for me as a coach working with my coach

A lot of the work that I have done  has been on my emotions.  These could have been those that I am feeling now at this very moment, or at some time in the past that I have yet to acknowledge and deal with.  One of those emotions was that of guilt and/or shame and it was connected to meals I was served up by my parents.

I can remember being aged about 7 and I was sitting at the dinner table with my parents and my brother, who is three years older than me, and we were having Sunday dinner.  It was a roast with roast potatoes, vegetables and gravy.  I didn’t want to eat all my dinner for whatever reason.  So I was told by my mother that if I didn’t eat my dinner there was a child in Africa who had no food at all and who would be very grateful to get my dinner.

diningtable

Now being 7 years old I didn’t dare answer back so I gradually stuffed all the dinner into my mouth and eventually it was all gone.  All the time I was thinking to myself how on earth do they intend to pack up this roast dinner with all the vegetables, roast potatoes and gravy?  Are they going to put it in an envelope and post it to Africa?  How will they know which child will get the dinner?  What state will the food be in when it gets to Africa which is trillions of miles away? How will they know if a child in Africa has eaten it? What if that child doesn’t want it, will it be sent back to me? And so the thoughts went on.

All the while I was feeling guilty for apparently wasting food and shameful because I was depriving a child in Africa of a dinner.  And these emotions and feelings were left undealt with until I worked through them and wrote about how angry I was that they had made me eat all that food I didn’t want and resentful of that child in Africa who wanted my food.  I was hurt that this emotional blackmail was used on me.  I was afraid that if I didn’t eat all the food my parents would not love me any more and this led to me feeling insecure.  As I said I felt guilty for wasting food. But I loved my parents and I understand now that they were doing the best they could and I can now forgive them and I want them to know that I love them still and always will.

journal

Part of this learning for me was writing my thoughts and experiences in my journal. Something I was quite resistant to at first, but I have benefited so much and learned so much about me that I love it now and enjoy writing in it every day and noting my continued progress.

I have some availability for coaching clients, we just need to fix some dates if and when you want to get started. Get in touch today.

Maggie Currie 

Creedence – Confidence for You

International Confidence Coach, Motivational Speaker, Author

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Can I be too hospitable?

The sun is shining, the Island is full of international athletes from many islands around the world for the annual Island Games, this year being hosted here on the Isle of Wight and enjoying our hospitality. There are teams from Bermuda, Isle of Man, Falklands Islands and many others too. Apparently there are 4,000 athletes plus their entourages staying on the Island for a week or so.

Events are happening all week around the Island including cycling, running, archery, swimming, badminton, football and any other sport you can think of.  It is so wonderful to see all the people from different cultures here competing and having fun.

Hospitality is a wonderful thing, but I wonder if sometimes I can be too hospitable. I love to have some guests come and visit for a meal or even just a cuppa and a chat. I am happy to provide food and drink for them and I love to see some people again and again.

But, and there is a big BUT, I also like to have my home to myself. I am really pleased when some people leave and I can have my peace and quiet back again.  There are some people who I don’t want to leave as I enjoy their company so much and can have sensible, or not so sensible, conversations with, who make me laugh and who I make laugh, who are true friends. I am comfortable in their company and they are comfortable in mine.

Is there a happy medium?  Yes I think there is. I invite people to my home who I really want to spend time with and enjoy spending time with, talking to and listening to. I don’t invite people who drain my energy or who I don’t enjoy listening to.  This is something that I have learned in YOU University, how to look after myself first and foremost.  Some may say this is selfish, I say it is essential.  If you have ever listened to the safety announcements on a plane you will know that part of it states ‘when the oxygen masks drop down, make sure you put yours on first’ or words to that effect.

I remember a story I ready about a young woman who was on board a plane with her two young daughters.  There was an incident and the oxygen masks came down.  The mother tried frantically to put oxygen masks on her daughters first and failed before she lost consciousness and died and so did they.  All three died because the mother did not look after herself first and therefore could not look after her daughters.

It is essential for my well being to look after myself and for the people with whom I come in contact.  If I don’t take care of myself how can I possible take care of anybody else?

I distance myself from people who drain my energy and who bring me down. I distance myself from people who are takers and not givers. I distance myself from people who have nothing to say to me that is interesting. My home is where I feel safe and secure. Long may it remain that way.

I have come a long, long way in my journey of self discovery with Maia Berens and all the coaches and coaches in training in YOU University and I am loving the real ME I am continuing to uncover.

Maggie Currie

YOU University Coach

To reach me call +44 1983 759213 or email maggiecurrie@youuniversityonline.com –

YOU University Online – The home of emotion-based Coaching

We’re here to remind you who you are

You can join the FREE journalling community here and meet lots of like minded people.

A ‘safe’ place to be

I was thinking today about where a ‘safe’ place to be is for me.  I am not talking about a physical place, but somewhere in my mind I can go to relax, think, mentally re-charge and just be.  A place where my emotions are calm and all the negative stuff in the world is banished and there are no energy draining people to affect my life. And it came to me, my own parallel universe. I can create this in my imagination and build a picture that is so vivid and inviting for me.

Then I thought, how will I begin?  Should I do the location first, or should I create what I want in the location first and then create somewhere.  Do I want it to be the same every time or do I want to be able to change it around and have more or less in my parallel universe?

I am coming to the conclusion that my parallel universe will be a tranquil island with silver sands surrounded by blue, clear water.  In the water dolphins are playing.  The temperature will be ideal for me, the grass lush and green. There is a waterfall making a pleasant whooshing noise and there are brightly coloured birds fluttering around and playing with the butterflies and dragonflies.

‘Get back to me retreat’ Friday March 15th to Sunday March 17th 2013

I have a lovely garden room that has my comfy chair in it that hugs me and makes me feel so welcome, so that I can sit and relax and take in the scenery.  There are bookshelves full of books written by so many wise people for me to learn from.

That is the basis of my parallel universe and every time I go there I will see if something else needs to be added, or someone depending on what I am thinking about or which problem I am endeavouring to solve.  It may be that something needs to be taken away and put back at a later date.

I am now thinking about a name for my parallel universe. This place where I can go whenever I choose and sit and reflect and think and learn.  Nothing is coming to mind at the moment. I shall leave that idea open and see what comes to me.

Your life does not resemble anybody else's

I have some availability for coaching clients, we just need to fix some dates if and when you want to get started. Get in touch today.

Maggie Currie 

Creedence – Confidence for You

International Confidence Coach, Motivational Speaker, Author

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Who are my friends?

My friends, with whom I like to spend time, are very few. I have some really good friends here on the Isle of Wight where I live and, on occasion we take time out to have a meal, meet up for a drink or just to natter. I know I can trust these friends, they are there to support me, as I am them. They don’t drain the energy out of me and I like being with them and hearing about their successes. Equally they like being me with and hearing about my successes.  We support each other in good times and bad and we can count on each other. We intuitively know when something is wrong and do our best to help whoever needs it.

I have some very good friends who live on the mainland.  I used to work with them and we meet up several times a year for  ‘Ladies who lunch’ days.  We meet, have coffee and catch up, wander around the shops either window shopping or buying, have lunch, more shopping and chatting.  A thoroughly good time is had and we each look forward to meeting up and hearing how we are all getting on.

Four Women Friends at the Beach

I have some friends that I have known for 50 years. We meet up occasionally and it is as if we only saw each other yesterday.  We communicate on social media and email and it is always lovely to actually get to see them in person.  We always laugh and have such a good time.

I have more good friends who are also my fellow coaches. I haven’t met up with them physically yet,  but I know they are there for me and will support me and love me. They know that I am there for them too and will love and support them. We don’t judge or criticise, we support and encourage. These are my friends-in-deed and I look forward to our calls each week  and our interactions online daily. We learn so much about ourselves and each other and helps our personal growth.

I have some so-called friends who I keep as clear of as I can as they drain my energy and, although they appear to be givers, they are in fact takers. I don’t expect everyone to give to me, and at the same time I don’t expect them to keep taking either. These people are toxic to me and I avoid them where possible.

There are some people who are truly motivational and they include  Mother Teresa who, although is no longer with us, has made some truly mind-blowing statements and did such great work so selflessly. There is, of course, my dad who is no longer with us, but who was wise and always had time for me. Often over a cup of coffee I will think about him and remember the good times.

 

Getting our lives back after divorce

 

My husband Kelvin inspires me with his constant support. He is my rock and without him I would be lost. He loves me unconditionally, as I love him, and he supports me in all that I do, as I support him. He allows me to be me and that is very valuable to me.

My friends-in-deed bring me positive energy and we are mirrors for each other. We inspire each other with our learnings and teachings. My friends here on the Island and on the mainland inspire me with their achievements and energy. I love hearing all about how successful people are and it pleases me to think that I have helped them with their success in some small way and have eased their emotional pain.

I have some availability for coaching clients, we just need to fix some dates if and when you want to get started. Get in touch today.

Maggie Currie 

Creedence – Confidence for You

International Confidence Coach, Motivational Speaker, Author

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Learning to set my personal boundaries

Setting boundaries was difficult for me at first.  I have this innate wish to help and please other people and I have learned that this is not a good way to behave.

I learned that my behaviour was dictated by my parents who wanted me to be the person they thought I ought to be and did not allow me to be ME. They did the best they could and they meant well, they didn’t abuse me in any way, but they did dictate what I thought, who I spoke to, who I mixed with at school and who I should or shouldn’t be friends with. I was manipulated from a very small child to become who they wanted me to be, to allay their fears that I might become like my birth mother, a sixteen year old single girl who got pregnant at a fair ground by a traveller.

It has therefore taken a lot of work on my behalf and with the help of my coach to change that way of thinking and to start living my life as ME and uncovering the real ME.  This has led to some amazing realisations and huge shifts in my consciousness and my perceptions of myself and acknowledgement of my emotions which have been suppressed for so many years.

emotionalwoman

One of these realisations is that I can live my life in my own way, not be manipulated by anyone, and not feel guilty about it. After all it is my life and I must look after me first, otherwise I can’t possibly look after anyone else.

I have been manipulated in the past by my daughter.  She uses emotional blackmail, whether she realises it or not, to get what she wants – and this is usually money.  When she and her boyfriend bought their first house I helped out with the deposit. We bought her the basics – a fridge/freezer, cooker, washing machine to go in the house.  A year or two later she and her boyfriend got married and we paid for the wedding – to be fair to her she got some very good deals and she had the day that she wanted and that was all that mattered to me for her wedding day.

She then sold her house and bought a flat.  She dumped all the kitchen stuff, fridge, cooker, washing machine and started again with new stuff in the flat they had bought.  We helped with the moving costs at her request because she had no money.

Then she gave birth to her daughter and we helped out with the usual baby stuff and a whole lot of bits and pieces too.  Then her husband decided he wanted to open a cafe and they asked if we could help with the deposit.  So we did.  The cafe failed after six months.

They decided they wanted to open a sandwich bar, could we help out with the rent – s0 we did – this too failed after a year, basically after the pre-paid rent ran out.

All of the above requests for money were to be ‘loans’.  Of course they were never repaid and ran into many thousands of pounds.

Then she gave birth to her son and they decided between them that they would have a year off working to be at home with the children.  They applied for every benefit they could and got them.  Then they sold their flat at much under the market value and moved into rented accommodation and have moved around a bit since then.

Then came requests for school uniforms for the children, as they needed more things and she had no money.  I bought some school uniform items on her behalf on the internet, again expecting to repaid, but nothing was forthcoming.

At this point I decided that if they weren’t going to help themselves then I wasn’t going to help them either.  After all she was 30 years old, married with two children.

teenage depression - teen woman sitting thinking

Inevitably this caused a rift as she felt that I was abandoning her and that I didn’t care and that I didn’t love her.  I do love her very much, I do care and I wasn’t abandoning her – she has to live her life as she wants and if that is the life she chooses then I am not responsible, and I do not judge her.

Now she is 34 years old, pregnant again, still has no money and I have agreed to buy a cot for the new baby.  I was asked if I would buy anything else too and I have said no.

Although I love my daughter unconditionally, I cannot and will not live her life for her or bail her out any more.  I have my own life to lead and my own expenses.  My boundaries are set, I am sticking to them and I am living my life as ME.  I will not be manipulated or emotionally blackmailed any more.

I cannot be held responsible for somebody else’s life, it is up to my daughter to live the life that she wants, and if this is it, so be it.  I am always here for her whenever she needs me to support her in all that she does.

This has been a very hard lesson to learn for me and when the realisation finally came that I was ME, and I had missed out on all those years of being ME because of the manipulation and emotional blackmail from my parents, my first husband, my children etc., I was at first angry and then happy because now I know that everything I am doing is for me first and when I feel good and happy then everyone around me feels the same.

I have learned  how to look after myself first and how to say no without guilt.  I have learned that my boundaries are vital to my day-to-day living and that once people are aware of those boundaries they respect them and me.  That isn’t to say that I always say no, I know when to say yes and when to say no.
I have some availability for coaching clients, we just need to fix some dates if and when you want to get started. Get in touch today.

Maggie Currie 

Creedence – Confidence for You

International Confidence Coach, Motivational Speaker, Author

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Learning to say “NO” and mean it! Looking after yourself first.

How can you respond confidently when someone makes a request of you and it really is not something you want to do?

The question has just been posed.  Pause.  Were you going to say yes, even though there’s a voice deep down saying “no”?  What possible reasons could there be for saying no?

  • It’s beyond your means?
  • It’s beyond your comfort level?
  • You have no interest?

 Identify all the reasons you have for saying “no.”  Identify which stem from a lack of confidence, which would be detrimental to you and which come from a sincere disinterest in fulfilling the request.

poutinggirl

 What would happen if you said yes?  Perhaps:

  • You would be considered ‘one of us’
  • It would make your friend happy
  • Your visibility with other people may be improved

 Would you feel comfortable with your self if you were to be say yes, even though you knew it would not be in your best interests?

 Saying “no” is hard for so many of us.  A false sense of guilt often comes into play.  Whether this guilt has its foundation in religion, a proper upbringing, or a world view that simply says “it’s not nice to say no”, we know it is there lurking in the background and make decisions  based upon it, even though deep down, we know it is not right for us.

So you have made the decision, after scientifically weighing the results of your cost/benefit analysis, to honestly say “NO”.  Practice it in the mirror. Say it clearly and self-assuredly.….in the mirror.  Look yourself in the eye, and do it.  Just say “NO.”

Say it like you really mean it, and then say it again as if you speaking to whoever asked you the question.  When you pretend you’re speaking to the person who made the request, does it come out differently?  Practice and experiment with different ways to say “NO” until you find one you’re comfortable with.

 Then go, and say “NO.”

New for 2013. From confusion to clarity – Becoming ME again

Sometimes, if you have always given in to others,  guess what happens?  After all that practice, getting the tone right and pretending you are talking to the person who asked you the question, you may just be surprised to find that they are not willing to accept it!   They may try to push you to say yes, rephrase the question, or make a new, not altogether different, request.   This is where your personal boundaries come in to play.  Know your boundary—what ARE you willing to do?  Revisit the questions you asked yourself before. If you are really serious about saying “NO”, then stick to your guns.  Tell the person making the request that you would appreciate it if they respected your wishes and boundaries, and ask them not to ask again.  If you are comfortable expressing your “reasons why” then do so speaking from your personal perspective.

 If you are going to say NO, you must say it in a way that means NO!  In a firm, yet polite voice with a firm tone.  Also, if you want to say the reasons why, keep it short and sweet.  When saying NO remember the power of non-verbal communications.  Look the person in the eye when you say the NO.  Shake your head at the same time as saying NO.  Stand up tall.

Don’t forget that when anyone asks a question of you, it is perfectly OK to say, “Can I think about that and get back to you”.   No-one should be pressurised into giving an immediate answer.  It will give you some time to think it through and to gather your thoughts.  It will also give you some time to think about how you are going to say it, the words to use and your body language.

Practice makes perfect as they say!  Remember you must look after yourself first.  This is not selfish, it is a necessity. Practice in the mirror and soon you will:

  •   feel much more confident and proud.
  •  find that practice makes perfect—the more you confidently say “NO” the easier it becomes.
  • Others will respect your wishes and take you seriously the first time you say “NO.”
  • You won’t find yourself doing things you never wanted to do in the first place.
  •  have more time to focus on the things you do want to be involved in.
  • The list goes on from there…
I have learned  how to look after myself first and how to say no without guilt.  I have learned that my boundaries are vital to my day to day living and that once people are aware of those boundaries they respect them and me.  That isn’t to say that I always say no, I know when to say yes and when to say no.  As Maia Berens says “life is a school” and I am loving all the learning and teaching.

I have some availability for coaching clients, we just need to fix some dates if and when you want to get started. Get in touch today.

Maggie Currie 

Creedence – Confidence for You

International Confidence Coach, Motivational Speaker, Author

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Redirecting your emotions

Intense emotions demand intense methods of expression.  There are many outlets for positive feelings – being creative, enjoying the fresh air, talking with friends, having fun – there are however far fewer methods for coping constructively with negative feelings of anger, frustration, fear, sadness, or stress. Consequently, such feelings can lead us to believe that we are not in control of our emotional state.

When we are backed into a mental corner, we may well lash out at the very first person we encounter.  Most of us will discover very quickly that our misdirected outpouring of fury has done nothing to relieve the pressure of our pain, in fact it has probably exacerbated it.

How do I know I am in a relationship that is bad for me?

Powerful emotions can be likened to the lava in a volcano, just waiting to erupt, temporarily held in check by an ever eroding layer of calm. Within us lies the power to direct that flood of feeling that surges forth by channelling it into productive, artistic or physically tiring activities.

Retaking control of our emotions at their height can often be very difficult.  This is because our already negative feelings can convince us, however wrongly, that others are deserving of our wrath.  But, when we consciously look for alternative ways of expressing what we feel, we will relieve our pain and use the energy of that pain to add even more value to our lives.

Anger or sadness is the inspiration that inspires us to dedicate ourselves to bringing about a change we wish to see in the world.  If we act rather than react, we will become very effective agents of positive transformation. When we channel our frustration or feelings of stress into “outside-the-box thinking” and various proactive exploits, we will discover solutions to the issues that initially left us stuck in this negative state.

And when we view fear as a sign that we need to re-examine our circumstances rather than a sign to flee, we will gain new, and possibly unexpected, insight into our lives.

Channelling your emotions into constructive action will also prevent you from reliving situations, events or even expectations that sparked your feelings in your mind’s eye.  Since you are now focusing on a goal, your pain is no longer being fed by your emotional energy and will ebb away rapidly.  You will not only avoid lashing out at others, but you will also take an active  part in your own healing process while still honestly acknowledging and honouring your feelings.

journal

Journalling helps with getting your emotions under control and will help you get your thoughts in order.  Just the act of writing down your thoughts will help you to realise where your thoughts are directed and where you may need to change some of the thoughts that are no longer serving you.

I have some availability for coaching clients, we just need to fix some dates if and when you want to get started. Get in touch today.

Maggie Currie 

Creedence – Confidence for You

International Confidence Coach, Motivational Speaker, Author

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