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My self awareness

When I was in my teens, and even up to my early 40s, I had very little self awareness.  I plodded along doing what I was told to do, manipulated by so many people.  I was so totally not self aware I didn’t even notice that I was living my life on other people’s terms.

It is only since I began training to be a transformational coach thirteen years ago that I have really discovered myself and discovered my own self awareness.  I have found that to be able to grow into my own self-awareness I have to be aware of  my feelings and emotions.  This was quite a difficult journey for me, as I have suppressed feelings and emotions for many years.  The reason – I was conditioned by my parents from  childhood  that I should be seen and not heard.  I was told that I should not express anger or display any emotion.  And so I learned to repress them.

Dealing with emotional abuse

Having this understanding now after learning so much about my feelings and emotions and rediscovering who I am really am, I know that I can express my feelings and emotions. And this is a huge step for me towards self-awareness.

But what does self-awareness do for me? What are the benefits to me?  Being self-aware has given me the opportunity and freedom to change those things I want to change about myself and create the life that I want.  I now don’t allow others to manipulate me.  I live my life on my terms.  I am seen and heard and I do express my feelings and emotions.

The more clarity I get about who I am and what I want, and of course why I want it, the more I empower myself to consciously make those wants a reality. But, how do I get this clarity? I turn to the expert – ME.  I know more about myself than anyone else, I know I have been manipulated and by whom.  I know I have suppressed my feelings and emotions,  and I know why.  And I have got to know myself even better over the past few years by becoming so much more self aware.  I am, of course, still learning.

To get the clarity I want I have learned to ask myself questions and expect specific answers. The more specific my answers, the more impact they have on my life and then I have a much clearer picture of  me.  Of course, there are times when my answer is ‘I don’t know’ and I know that is okay too.  I give myself the freedom to take a wild guess and this allows me to carry on.  What I have discovered is that I really do know more than I ever thought I did.

Dealing with emotional abuse

Honesty is vital in my answers to myself.  It will lead to my true self awareness, but it does take a lot of courage.  It is the courage to face my fears or to face something I find difficult to accept about myself.  For instance, I know that I am impatient and want things to happen now.  I also know that when people are speaking to me I used to get impatient to hear the end of what they were saying, and I tended  to try to finish their sentences for them.  I know this about myself and now take the time to listen when people are talking and not just to give them an answer, but to hear what they are saying beyond the words.

By being totally honest with myself I take ownership of my actions, beliefs, thoughts and feelings and find those beliefs that are no longer serving me. Those beliefs can then be discarded, altered or whatever feels right for me now.

I find that sometimes I do slip up and give an answer that perhaps I think I should give, rather than what I really know is right.  That means I am giving answers from my head rather than getting in touch with my feelings and getting the answer from inside. To get out of my head again, I take several deep breaths, allow the brain to quieten and start to listen, to notice where the thoughts are coming from.  This helps me to balance myself and to find the answers I need, and they come from inside me rather than from my head. I have learned that life only works one way, from the inside out.

I know that whatever I discover about myself I can handle with ease and acceptance.  I trust that whatever I discover about myself will in some way lead to a greater sense of me and increased self-awareness.

And of course I am learning every day more and more about myself too.

If you find this resonates with you, get in touch with me for a free conversation about your thoughts on self awareness.

Maggie Currie

maggieheart
Transformational Coach, Consultant
Founder of MAGGIE CURRIE COACHING

Website:       http://www.maggiecurrie.co.uk

Facebook:    https://www.facebook.com/Maggie-Currie-Coaching-527886050648208/?ref=hl
Email:            hello@maggiecurrie.co.uk

 

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Coaching with the Three Principles

I am currently undertaking a year long training with Jamie Smart and learning all about coaching with the Three Principles (Mind, Consciousness, Thought) with the objective of becoming a certified Clarity Coach.

The training involves six modules over six weekends of live training in London, followed by one three day Summer School in London. In addition I am taking part in co-coaching calls with some of the other members of the course.  Plus two group calls with our mentors and individual mentoring calls.  And I am loving every minute of the course, meeting the other participants and learning so much about them and myself.

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I am already a highly qualified and experienced coach, and adding this learning to my toolbox of expertise is making me an even better coach.  And I want to share my knowledge with you so you can identify and clear your blind spots, sticking points and stumbling blocks, navigate by wisdom and your enjoy your life more and more.  I want to help you make the life transformations that you want to make.

But what are the Three Principles?

Mind: There is an intelligent energy that is at work in the universe. You can see this intelligence at work in many ways:

  • a fertilized cell knows how to grow into a baby
  • cuts heal themselves without our conscious help
  • trees grow from seeds
  • there is beauty and order in nature

This intelligence is what animates us and, if we let it, can guide us through our lives.

Consciousness: We have the gift of awareness. Consciousness makes life come alive for us since it is through consciousness that we notice our life.

Thought: We are thinking beings. We think all the time. And each thought is inextricably linked to a feeling, as if they were two sides of the same coin. Whatever we are feeling is a result of our thinking, and is brought to life by consciousness.

The philosophy according to Sydney Banks who discovered the Three Principles:

“One possible result of understanding the Three Principles is coming to realize that life is lived from the inside-out and not the other way around. In other words you only ever experience the world through your thoughts.

In the outside-in world, external circumstances are seen as the cause of our experience. For example, it is my bank balance that is making me feel the way I do.

By contrast, in the inside-out world, we are always feeling our thoughts, not our circumstances. So it is my thoughts about my bank balance that are causing my feelings. And my thought will change moment by moment.

This is a very freeing understanding.”

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Even though people have different goals, aspirations or areas in their lives which they want to change, you will create space for peace and clarity, while your understanding of life deepens.

Stress, low morale, physical exhaustion, toxic relationships… all cause damage and can make you feel invisible, but by working with me and the three principles you will begin building the foundations for your positive future.

Coaching is frequently life changing. It will encourage you to step out of your comfort zone (even coaches need to do this!), rediscover you, become content being you, calm, and you will move forward to where you want to be.

That’s a good place to be.

So, if this resonates with you, and you would like to have a conversation about how coaching with me will work, get in touch today and we can arrange to have a chat to begin finding out where you think you are in your life and how I can serve you.

As Napoleon Hill says, “ Don’t wait. The time will never be just right.”

I really look forward to hearing from you soon.

Maggie Currie

maggieheart
Coach, Mentor, Consultant, Speaker, Author, Survivor
Founder of MAGGIE CURRIE COACHING

Website:       http://www.maggiecurrie.co.uk

Facebook:    https://goo.gl/ZByKGW
Email:            hello@maggiecurrie.co.uk

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Dealing with emotional and psychological abuse

I discovered that emotional abuse came from several directions.  It came from my first husband who, for years, told me that I was not clever, no use at ironing his shirts, not like his mother, not good enough to be part of his family….. and so on, and on he went.

It also came from my parents who encouraged me to stay with my first husband even though I was plainly unhappy and the marriage wasn’t working. I was told that I was far too young to know my own mind and that divorce was out of the question.

My parents-in-law agreed with my husband that I wasn’t good enough for their family and therefore I should learn how to be a good wife and do everything that I was told to do by my husband.

I dealt with this in the only way that I knew how at the time. I kept my head down, did as I was told and just plodded on through life.  I was unhappy and I couldn’t see any end to the misery that I was enduring.

 

I did, however, find a way out in the end. I was more and more unhappy, the marriage was just not working. My husband was diagnosed as being schizophrenic but he would not accept this.  He refused to be treated in any way and accused me of being the instigator of his supposed illness.  He was unreasonable and unpredictable and became obsessed with the idea that I was having an affair and would tell me that because I had taken five minutes longer to do the shopping than he expected I must have been meeting a man.  This was plainly ridiculous as I had three small children and the shopping to carry. I had neither the time, the energy or the inclination to do so.

This emotional and psychological abuse went on for 10 years.  In the end something clicked in my head and I couldn’t take it any longer.  I realised that this was not normal.  I had assumed that every marriage was like this.  I was wrong.

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I plucked up the courage to consult a solicitor who, after hearing my story, agreed that this was not normal and that I had grounds for a divorce.  I filed for divorce and it took nearly 2 years to go through as it was contested.  We all lived in the same house, but separately for that time.  After 2 years I was granted divorce and I took the children and left.  I received enough money to buy a small flat where we could live in another town twenty miles away.  A new start, in a new town, with a new flat and no emotional abuse day after day.

The feeling of relief was immense, though it took some months before stopped being overwhelmed by it all.

I am now a much different person and I won’t tolerate emotional abuse from anyone, not from my children, my parents, friends – whoever.  My husband now of 31 years would never emotionally abuse anyone and I am so very happy now.

Looking back I do realise that I allowed this to happen to me.  At the time I didn’t realise it, but now I understand. Hindsight is a wonderful thing.

20 ways to increase your confidence after divorce

So to deal with emotional abuse can be difficult and it can become impossible. If it becomes impossible for you then you have to choose whether you deserve better or not – I think you do.

So what can you do to get out of this place where you are emotionally abused?

  • Get some help from a qualified coach or therapist – make sure it is someone who understands what you   are experiencing and can relate to what you are telling them so you can begin your healing process.
    •Look online for some blogs that refer to what you are going through. Read them, make comments on them.  Open up a dialogue to help you get some answers.
    •Buy a self-help book and take some action to change the way you think about yourself.
    •Make the decision to not be emotionally abused any longer.

Get in touch today to find out how my inspirational coaching can transform first you – and then your life

Maggie Currie

Thought Leader, Coach, Speaker, Author, Survivor
 
Contributor to BBC Radio, Vectis Radio, Susan Rich Radio
Published author and regularly write articles for national and international magazines.
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Find out more about me and my ‘Why’ on my website 

 

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Do you have relationship anxiety?

Relationship anxiety is very destructive, as you know. If you don’t learn how to get rid of anxiety in your relationship, it leads into a very devastating downward spiral:

One of the first things you will notice is that you become suspicious – you begin worrying about your partner not loving you, or not caring as much as you do. Thoughts of them being unfaithful. Many more self-destructive thoughts and emotions. And of course, all of these will fuel your relationship anxiety.

In order to learn how to get rid of anxiety in your relationship, think about what you can do:

Ask your partner for reassurance. When you find yourself becoming suspicious in your relationship, try to remember that it is probably being fueled by your anxiety. You may be able to get some relief from your relationship anxiety by asking your partner for occasional reassurance. They will be happy to give this if they are patient and understanding of your anxiety.

This kind of support may well be very helpful to you. Ask a trusted friend who is prepared to give you an honest answer if there might be some real reason for you to feel this way. But even when you get that real information, it may not help alleviate your relationship anxiety. You will have to work on that yourself. Perhaps your worry is that you feel that you are too “needy” in your relationship.

For instance, do you need constant reassurance and want your partner to regularly prove that things are really okay? This will inevitably put pressure on you and your partner and will add to the relationship anxiety.

A grateful attitude helps in times of extreme stress
I got married when I was 19 years old and discovered after about six months that I had made a terrible mistake. I was under a lot of pressure from my parents to stay in the marriage as it was not ‘the done thing’ to separate or divorce. In their opinion, I was far too young to know what I was doing. I believed them as I knew nothing different and so I tried to make the marriage work.

Inevitably the pressure of trying to make it work instead of figuring out how to get rid of anxiety in my relationship made me very unhappy and anxious indeed. I stuck at it until I couldn’t take it any longer and I made the decision to leave, take the children, and strike out on my own. That was the right decision for me, and the anxiety was lifted almost as if a huge weight had been taken off my shoulders.

If any of this is resonating with you, then you will need to find ways to cope with your anxiety and learn to rely more on yourself for feeling better – taking the pressure off your partner. This will allow you to become more self-sufficient, even in your anxiety. Give yourself permission to reassure yourself instead of turning to your partner for comfort each time you are anxious. Find ways to learn to think more positively. Try being grateful for what you have.

When you are anxious you can create all kinds of ideas in your imagination that appear so intolerable that you feel compelled to take impulsive and totally misguided actions. You will find yourself:

  • Jumping to conclusions
  • Making decisions that are destined to fail
  • Behaving in a totally childish manner, sulking and demanding attention.
Look for solutions that will relieve your relationship anxiety and won’t result in increasing your problems further. 

When you are anxious your partner will be anxious too. It becomes a vicious circle and the anxiety is fed constantly.
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Learning to trust your intuition is an important part of reducing your anxiety. So, slow down, think through anything you are considering doing and follow your intuition. Make the effort to stop listening to that nagging voice that is telling you something is wrong. It is very likely when you slow down and think rationally that you will find a much better solution for you and your relationship. In this way, you can successfully get rid of anxiety in your relationship.

Maggie Currie

Thought Leader, Speaker, Author, Survivor
 
Contributor to BBC Radio, Vectis Radio, Susan Rich Radio
Published author and regularly write articles for national and international magazines.
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Find out more about me and my ‘Why’ on my website 

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Why do people stay in abusive relationships?

There are many, many reasons why women and men don’t leave an abusive relationship.  Often it is because they don’t realise that they are being abused.  They think it is normal.  I know from experience that I believed the emotional, psychological and financial abuse I suffered was normal.  I thought everyone’s relationship worked in this way.  It wasn’t until I literally woke up one day and thought ‘this is n’t normal’ and started really looking at other people’s relationships that I realised I was in an abusive relationship.

I went and consulted a solicitor who agreed that not only was this an abusive relationship but I had grounds for divorce.  Unreasonable behaviour. And so I took my courage in both hands and filed for divorce.

What is an abusive relationship?

One where you are treated in one or more of these ways:

Manipulated – Have their will imposed on you so you do as they say without realising it

Controlled – told what to wear, what to do, where to go, where you can and can’t work, who you can and can’t speak to

Insulted – in private and/or in public

Treated as a possession

Told that everything is your fault

Deprived of money – only allowed so much a day not allowed your own income

Deprived of friends – not allowed to have friends

Only allowed a mobile phone as long as you only call the abuser and they control the bill

Psychologically mistreated – made to feel worthless

Emotionally mistreated – constantly told you are useless and nobody wants you

Physically – beaten, burned, tortured

Sexually – raped, made to perform acts you don’t want to, made to be part of a threesome

Verbally – shouted at, berated in front of other people, made to feel small and inadequate

Held prisoner/locked up

Made to have meals on the table at specific times and threatened with various consequences if they don’t appear on time.

Interestingly in 1995 a national survey showed that just under 50% of abusers are in fact female.

I believe that most of the reasons that people don’t leave abusive relationships, once they realise what it is, stem from fear.

Most of the fears are understandable, but often irrational.  For instance, fear of having no money if they leave.  Because women are generally at home looking after the children, they don’t have any income of their own.  The fear of financial ruin builds in the mind until it becomes ‘I can’t survive if I leave’. And so they stay.

Fear of losing the children. If a man has been abused he may find it very difficult to leave with the children.

worriedman

Most of the fears are understandable, but often irrational.  For instance, fear of having no money if they leave.  It may be they don’t have any income of their own.  The fear of financial ruin builds in the mind until it becomes ‘I can’t survive if I leave’. And so they stay.

Fear of what other people might think.  There is often a social stigma that labels people as failures if they dare to leave their partners.  Usually nobody outside the home realises what is going on which adds to that stigma.  This leads to feelings of insecurity. And so they stay.

Fear of what might happen to them at the hand of their partner if they did leave.  Often people believe that their partner will come after them and kill them and/or their children. The threats are made to them over and over again, until they are ingrained in their mind.  And so they stay.

People often fear that they are the reason that they are abused.  That it is their fault. And if they were to change their ways their abusive partner would be different.  A false supposition.  And so they stay.

Of course, the abuser will tell their partner that they will change, they won’t do it again. But they do. They never change.

worried

I know how difficult it is to leave an abusive relationship.  I was verbally, emotionally and financially abused by my first husband. He would belittle me in front of the children and other people, always tell me that I knew nothing, that I was of no use and he would do anything to stop me succeeding at anything.  Add to that the fact that my parents believed that I should make the marriage work because I was too young, in their opinion, to know what I was doing, and I was financially dependent. And so I stayed.  I stayed 10 years.

I did, eventually, wake up to the fact that it was not normal to be treated in this way, and found the courage to leave and take the children with me and started a new life in a different town.  The feeling of relief was immense.  Although I was threatened with all sorts of things, such as having the children removed, losing my flat etc., I discovered that the threats were empty.  And this is probably true of most abusers.  They are cowards and when someone actually stands up to them, they generally back off.

There are ways out of this horrendous situation.  There are both men’s and women’s refuges who will help you so that you can get yourself out of the abusive home.  Once you are out and can think about what options there are for you, there are counsellors and life coaches who can help you see yourself as you, the real person, and not a punch bag.

There are various organisations who can and will help you to start your new life. Social Services and the Police will work together to ensure that you are safe and help you to move on with your life. They will give you respite and guidance in a safe environment. There are solicitors, the Samaritans, Citizens’ Advice, Relate and they can all point you in the right direction for help. Schools will have contacts if you are worried about your children. There is a whole lot that can be done for you once you are out of the abusive situation and in a safe place. There are protocols that can be introduced and put into action for you.

tiredwoman

There are trusted friends and family who may be able to help you too.

If I had known about life coaching back then I would have been first in the queue.

There is no reason good enough to actually justify staying in an abusive relationship.

It can be hard to admit that you are in an abusive relationship.  But if you think you are being abused and you are unhappy, get out of that relationship as soon as possible.  Take your courage in both hands and make the leap.  Often men find it much harder to admit to being abused than women do, but I believe they are just as justified as anyone else.  There is help out there for everyone.

Do you want to remain stuck and miserable? If your answer is no, find your way to get out and start your new life on your own terms.

Remember, the relationship has failed, not you.  You are not a failure.

If you would like to chat confidentially about your situation, contact me hello@maggiecurrie.co.uk

 

Maggie Currie

Thought Leader, Speaker, Author, Survivor
 
Contributor to BBC Radio, Vectis Radio, Susan Rich Radio
Published author and regularly write articles for national and international magazines.
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Find out more about me on my website.

 

 

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Reclaim your power

There is an innate awkwardness to being human. With each decision we make, there is always the potential for self-doubt, and it is this self-doubt that forms the root of our insecurity.

This is a very complex emotion that is made up of equal parts of inadequacy, isolation, fear and hopelessness. Yet these feelings of insecurity, that potentially can prevent you from fulfilling your potential, are nothing more than perceptions.

You may feel less confident and more unsure of yourself because you judge yourself to be so.  You are fulfilling your own belief.

But how do you banish insecurity and reclaim your power?

Banishing insecurity is often simply a matter of challenging yourself in order to prove that you are indeed intelligent and able.

When you feel insecure you are perceiving yourself as incapable of meeting life’s challenges. Fraudulent and unworthy of true happiness.  You may move through life plagued by a perception that others are judging you and think you are lacking. As a result, you rob yourself of your personal power and render yourself unable to feel positive about the choices you make.

You have learned through continuous personal development and experience to think differently.

tiredwoman

You are not alone, I suspect everyone of us feels insecure from time to time, and if you should find yourself with feelings of insecurity, try to understand its source.

Perhaps you were repeatedly berated as a child, perhaps constantly told that children were to be seen and not heard. Maybe it is the case that you rarely receive positive reinforcement in the present.

When you have pinpointed the origin of your insecurity, turn your focus on to your numerous abilities.  The more you utilise your personal power—by taking risks, facing challenges and acting decisively—the stronger it will grow.

Remember that insecurity is an emotional interpretation of your value unconsciously based on doubt, shame and fear. Changing the way you think about yourself, positive affirmations and self belief will have a hugely positive effect on you.

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As you overcome your underlying emotions and doubts through positive action and copious self-love, you’ll discover that you are capable of achieving more than you ever thought possible.

Another way to help understand your emotions and get your thoughts in order is to write in a journal.  I have found that sitting quietly in a comfy chair with a cup of coffee, a notebook and a pen and allowing myself to write, without even consciously thinking about what I am writing, to be very helpful.  I know I was quite surprised when I read what I had written the very first time.  And you will be too.  Just let it all flow.

Once you have written down your doubt, shame or fear you will discover that it begins to lessen and because you have acknowledged it’s existence, it no longer poses a threat to you.  You will reclaim your power.

Take action and really begin to change your life.  If you need help, contact me and we can arrange your FREE 15 minute discovery call.

 

Maggie Currie 

Thought Leader, Coach, Mentor, Speaker, Author, Survivor

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Maggie Currie in the hot seat

In this latest blog post, Maggie speaks to writer and presenter Clancy Walker. They chat about life, loves and many challenges along the way…

 

Maggie, you say that your life changed almost overnight when you made the decision to change your thinking. What is your life like now?

 

I am now living my dream on the beautiful Isle of Wight.  I am doing the work I love and living in a place that I love, with the man that I love.

 

It sounds wonderful, and it’s something that others can aspire to, but it hasn’t always been plain sailing for you, has it? How did life start out for you?

 

I was born and brought up in Essex.  When I was born, I was labelled as illegitimate because my birth mother was barely sixteen when I was born, she wasn’t married and had put me in a children’s home. 

 Whether this was her choice or one that was forced upon her I don’t know and probably never will know.  But that is where I was.

 

So, not the easiest of starts and I’m sure others will be able to relate to you. What happened from there?

 

I was fortunate enough to be adopted, rather than staying in care long term, and was taken to my prospective parents’ home when I was about six weeks old to meet my new older brother.  I was fostered until the official adoption came when I was around two years of age, although I really don’t remember it.  

 My childhood, on reflection, was a fairly good one.  We always had a two-week

holiday, usually on the Isle of Wight, which is why I grew to love it so much. 

 I was sent to a private school because my parents thought I would do better there than at the local comprehensive school.  I did really well and left school at the age of 16 with a GCE in Commerce and a string of RSAs in shorthand, typing etc.  My first job was with an insurance company in London.

 I then got married for the first time when I was 19 and had three lovely children.

 

It all sounds great, although I notice you said ‘for the first time’ when you talk about getting married. I’m guessing things changed in your relationship?

 

Yes, unfortunately the marriage did not last due to the verbal, psychological and financial abuse I suffered at the hands of my husband. 

 I finally woke up to the fact that this was not normal and summoned up the courage to consult a solicitor who agreed with me and I filed for divorce. 

 It took two years for the divorce to go through, as my husband refused to accept the marriage was over, but eventually, after me standing my ground, we were divorced when I was 30. 

 

So, you were 30 with three children to support – did you have much support from those around you?

 

For various reasons I had to take the children, who were aged then nine and six (I had twins), to another town and live in a one bedroom flat. 

 Thankfully it had a garden and was close to the schools and shops and we lived there for about two years along with a menagerie of two cats, a dog, two rabbits, some goldfish, a hamster, two gerbils and some zebra finches.  

 

It sounds quite tough, and hectic, but it also sounds like you were starting to find your feet and enjoying the challenges life was throwing you?

 

Yes, I think I had got used to being on my own with the kids – and was enjoying a freedom I’d not experienced before – thanks to being free of an abusive relationship. I’m so pleased I was able to find the courage to leave it.

 

And then something even more wonderful happened, didn’t it?

 

Yes, I met up with a man called Kelvin again. I had known him for some years as a friend of my brother, and we fell in love.

We married when I was 32 and we moved to a lovely Victorian terraced house with four bedrooms and a long garden in the same town. 

 We lived in that house for about 15 years, so the children grew up there, and we were very happy there.

 

It just shows how much life can change over the years, doesn’t it? You did have some very difficult times too, though, didn’t you?

 

Yes, and like many people we had family challenges that we thought were impossible to solve and would never end. 

 At times like those we had to be patient and weather the storm.  On those days it seemed that life was too much to bear.  Some very hard decisions had to be made – decisions that no parents should have to make – but we made them and life carried on. 

 

How did you manage to make such difficult decisions?

 

We made the decisions that we thought were the best at that time and would be the most beneficial for the whole family.

 But life does get better and that cloud does go away especially by thinking good thoughts and getting back on track and by not feeling guilty or giving in to emotional blackmail, which is something I can help others with through my coaching.

 

So, what happened after the children had grown up?

 

When the children had all left home we moved to Hampshire, where we lived for

about five years.  We had also bought a flat on the Isle of Wight and we took holidays in it and spent lots of weekends in it. We planned to retire into it as well, as we loved the island so much.

 While we were living in Hampshire our next-door neighbour was Maureen – who was looking forward to retiring at 60. 

 Sadly Maureen was diagnosed with cancer and died six months later, before she got to her sixtieth birthday.

 We made the decision then to move to the Isle of Wight and not wait until we retired.  A step we have never once regretted.

 

Which leads us back to where we started in this interview! Tell me a little more about what life is like for you now, Maggie?

 

Moving to the Island has opened up so many doors that would not have been opened if we had stayed where we were. 

 I have opened my mind to the new opportunities that are available and I have kept my mind open to make sure that I don’t miss any. 

 I have found that following the signs, even if I am not sure where they are leading me, can be really beneficial. 

 Some opportunities I reject, some I embrace.  I have made mistakes, learned from them and moved on.

 

But life isn’t perfect for everyone all of the time – how have you handled the difficult times in recent years?

 

There have been times when life has not been so good.  Like when my father died suddenly in 1999.  I miss him still.  He was a fountain of knowledge and wisdom and always had time and wise words for me. 

 I have learned how to bounce back and gain something from the experiences I have been through to make sure I don’t make the same mistakes again.  I really believe you can do the same if you are gentle with yourself.  

 

Thanks Maggie, what advice would you like to finish with for your readers?

 

I know my coaching, books, talks and courses will help you to change your life for the better. 

 Don’t forget to open your mind to the new opportunities that lie ahead of you. 

 The choice is yours, you have the ability to create your very own future.  Your new life is out there.  Go and open the door to your new, fantastic future.

 Good luck on your motorway of life, take the right exits for you, try some you think might not be quite right, you may be surprised. 

 Be brave.  You deserve to succeed.

 

Love

 

Maggie xx

 

Maggie Currie

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Maggie Currie was speaking to writer and presenter Clancy Walker

                                                                                               Clancy

 

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Finding my emotions and feelings

A few years ago I was working my way through a relationship programme and my fabulous coach, Heather Williams, and I  discovered I had a block.

We discovered I couldn’t express my emotions or feel my feelings in a way that I felt is right for me. Having been brought up from a very early age to not show anger and not allowed to show emotions it had become a habit which was now time to break. As a child I was also told that I should be seen and not heard. I was working on unblocking my emotions and feeling my feelings.

My coach had given me an exercise to do to work on one emotion at a time and I began with fear. Here is the exercise that I was given:

Draw a doorway with the door ajar. Behind the door is your emotions. Imagine standing with your hand on the doorknob about to push or pull it right open.

What emotion would come flying out first? Write down one emotion you want to work on.

Imagine what you feel. Go back to a time when you felt that emotion. How it affects the body and mind, heart – feel it physically. Try and get in touch with the emotions and feelings. Write about what happens.

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 This is what I wrote about this experience.

The first emotion would be fear – fear of what is behind the door.

How does fear feel to me?
I remember being about 8 years old. I had been to a party for a school friend’s birthday. I had been taken to the party by my mum in the daylight. I know it wasn’t far from home, about 15 minutes by foot. The party was over and one of the parents collecting their child had a car and they said they would take me home. It was dark by now. I had never been allowed out of my street on my own, and I had no sense of direction. The person driving the car looked at me and asked me where I lived and I told her the address. She started the car and we drove around for a little while, about 5 minutes I suppose, she then asked me where the road was that I lived in, were we near it? I had no idea whatsoever as it was dark, I was small and could barely see out of the window of the car. She said I must know where I lived and where my road was. I was petrified that I would never get home and that she would think that I was stupid.

I wasn’t stupid, it was just that I had no idea where home was and how to get to it. I remember starting to shake and shiver, and tears came into my eyes. I probably looked like a scared rabbit. Her child was in the car too and she was laughing at how I couldn’t find my own house. They didn’t realise that I had not be allowed out by myself anywhere and had no notion of how to get home.

I remember being frightened and embarrassed at the same time. We eventually got home and my mum said thank you to whoever it was driving and they explained that I didn’t know the way and then everyone was told that I had no sense of direction and therefore I couldn’t be let out on my own. So apparently it was my fault or so I thought at the time.

So fear to me is sweaty palms, more rapid breathing, sometimes shaking and frequently the feeling that I need to wee, even though I know I don’t. I begin to feel unsure of myself and that just increases the fear and those symptoms just increase.

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Heather Williams

 After doing this and sending it by email to my coach we had a long chat about it via Skype – I am in UK and she was in Australia. So it was 7am BST and 4pm in Australia. Heather commented that she was pleased that I had written about the effects of the fear and that she felt I had connected well with my fears and emotions.

This was a huge breakthrough for me. Thank you to my coach and thank you relationship programme. I am feeling my feelings and unblocking and expressing my emotions and and improving my relationship with me.

 

Maggie Currie 

 

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Australia trip – A rollercoaster of feelings and emotions

It all began early one morning in April.  I have a standing date to chat with my friend Heather who lives in Australia.  When we call via Skype, it is 7am here in the UK and 4pm in Australia.

On this morning Heather said she had been to see the doctor because of a cough, and she had been for some tests.  These tests had revealed that she had malignant melanomas in her lung, shoulder and leg.  Quite matter of factly Heather stated the doctors had told her she had about 5 months to live.  Of course, Heather told them that she fully intended to be around for the next 30 years, and knowing Heather she probably will be.

I had never met Heather in person, we had met online whilst undertaking a coaching course together, and we had hit it off.  We had similar histories of adoption and we thought in the same way – much to the chagrin of our coaching instructor.

We chat weekly and talk about the weather, her farm, my caravan – everything under the sun and we have built up a strong bond.

My initial thought on hearing Heather’s news was I want to go and visit Heather to offer my support in person. That was my emotional head thinking.  My practical head thinking found a million obstacles as to why I shouldn’t do it – the expense, the time, my inexperience in travel etc.

Nonetheless I looked up prices and they ranged from £700 to £1,000 return.  I thought about it for a few days.  I mentioned to Kelvin that I was thinking of going to Australia to offer my support to Heather and he said ‘just do it, you will only regret it if you don’t’.  He is right of course, I would regret it if I didn’t go.  And so I looked really seriously at the flights and the costs.

I found the most cost effective airline was Royal Brunei, and they fly from Heathrow to Melbourne via Dubai and Brunei.  The flights all together were around 21 hours with a one hour stopover in Dubai and a two hour stopover in Brunei.

I booked my flights to set off from Heathrow on Sunday 15th June and to return home on Monday 23rd June.  All very good except that I would land in Melbourne at 4.50am their time.  Very early in the morning in the middle of their winter.

I relayed the dates and times to Heather when we spoke and she said that Geoff, her husband, would collect me from Melbourne airport and drive me to their home some 350 kilometres away in Wangaratta.  What a gentleman!

Kelvin insisted that he was going to drive me to and from Heathrow, so basically all I had to do was sit there in the various cars and planes and be transported to the other side of the world.  It seemed very easy, at least on paper.

I was both excited and nervous.  Excited because I was going to meet Heather in person after 4 years, and nervous because the furthest I had flown was to Italy, about 2 hours and never on my own.  Flying for 21 hours was daunting and scary.

 

I searched online and bought the lightest case I could since I was only allowed 20 kilos.  Of course there were jumpers to be bought as it is winter in Australia and summer here.  Also a lightweight jacket had to be found.  But the universe was looking after me and all things were available for me.  I had everything I needed.

During one of our chats Heather mentioned that she had lost some vision in her right eye.  She was unduly worried, but was tending to crash into things and not see anything on her right side.  Then I had a message that Heather had been rushed into hospital and had undergone brain surgery.   Apparently there was a melanoma pressing on her brain and it had to be removed at once or she wouldn’t survive.  Two days later Heather was sitting up eating her breakfast.

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Heather

As the time drew nearer to set off on my epic trip, the more nervous I became.  The week before I was due to fly I got a chest infection and felt absolutely awful.  A trip to the doctor to get antibiotics was successful and I sat and felt sorry for myself for a few days until I began to feel better.  I really thought that I would have to postpone my trip as I may not have been well enough to fly and I didn’t want to take an infection with me to Heather, who was by now half way through her chemotherapy treatment.

I was kept busy organising the freezer and fridge so that Kelvin had plenty to eat and drink whilst I was away for 8 days.  There were meals for one, oven chips, pizza, bread, milk, eggs.  Enough to keep him going for a week or so.

But all was well, and I recovered.  The night before I was due to fly I hardly slept.  I was nervous, excited, concerned, worried – a whole host of emotions.

The day arrived.  My case was packed.  I had my passport, Australian dollars, my itinerary.  I was ready to go.

We set off on the ferry at around 10am and headed for Heathrow.  We arrived in plenty of time and decided we would have lunch together.  The food was very good and not too expensive, we had steak and chips.

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Me at Heathrow

 

I went to the check in desk and queued up.  The case was fine, not overweight, the passport was fine, but I hadn’t got an entry to Australia Visa.  I had ordered this online at the time of booking the flight but apparently it hadn’t come through.  Fortunately, the rep for Royal Brunei airlines was very helpful, she got on her mobile to Melbourne airport and got some advice.  I had to go to another department and purchase a visa.  So I had to get my case off the scales, and go to another desk and pay £30 for this piece of paper.   So they tried to issue me with this entry to Australia visa, but because I had already ordered one there was a problem.  But they sorted it all out, and after an anxious twenty minutes, all was in order.  The rep told me that I didn’t need to queue up again, just come back and see her and I went back to the rep who put me in the front of the queue.  Check in done and it was time to go through security and immigration. Scary.

I said bye to Kelvin and off I went through the magic doors.  Security and immigration were no problem and I set off for Gate 22 which was approximately 1 kilometre away.  Fortunately there were some travelators and I only had a backpack to carry.  I was there in no time and sat down to wait for my plane to board.  I started reading my book and before long it was time to board.

I was very apprehensive as the plane was huge and I still don’t see how such a huge object can stay in the sky.  But on board I got, went to my seat by the window and waited for takeoff.  The cabin crew were all lovely and got everyone settled.

In a short while we were taxiing down the runway and then the plane was ready to take off and the engines powered up.  Before I knew it we were in the air and I really hadn’t felt a thing.  The plane was only 2/3 full, so there was plenty of room to stretch out.

Flying isn’t the most exciting modes of transport, since the plane is either above the clouds or it is dark, so there really isn’t much to see.  There were films etc. to watch and I watched a couple of films that were mediocre.  They passed the time.  The cabin crew regularly brought round water and juice, and a meal and a snack.  After 6 ½ hours the plane landed in Dubai.  We all got off and wandered around the airport, which was good to stretch my legs.  It was really hot and humid.  Fortunately, the airport had great air conditioning.  I felt bewildered because of the time difference.  I really didn’t know what was happening next.  But it seemed we had to wait for around an hour whilst the plane was refuelled and re-stocked.

I said I would text Kelvin when I landed in Dubai.  My mobile was still locked into the local network and I wondered what I could about it.  I looked at the settings and it gave me an option of manual or automatic network search, so I set it to automatic and almost immediately it found a network in Dubai and I was able to text my arrival.  Quite a feat for me, since I am not the slightest bit technically minded.  Another achievement to add to my list.

We had to go through security again. Then we all got back on the plane again, in the same seats and were heading for Brunei.  I thought that this wouldn’t take long, being ignorant of where Brunei is located.  In fact it was another 6 ½ hours in the air as Brunei is in the Indian Ocean.  With the same films, the regular drinks, a meal and a snack.  We arrived in Brunei and it was even hotter and even more humid.  We had a stopover of around 2 hours and fortunately the airport was air conditioned. I texted Kelvin again to say I landed in Brunei.

I wanted to buy a cup of coffee but they only take Brunei dollars at the airport so I changed a £20 note and went and bought a lovely coffee.  There was a little shop selling chocolate so I bought some of that too.  Brunei airport is undergoing renovations, so there wasn’t a lot to see.

A trip to the loo was needed, and there was one regular cubicle and several cubicles where you could squat.  I thought to myself, if I squat will I be able to get up again.  And laughing to myself I said probably not.  I had visions of me stuck in a cubicle, embarrassed in a strange country.  So I availed myself of the regular cubicle and all was well.

Through security again and then we all boarded the plane again and I was allocated a window seat again, there was an Egyptian man on the outside seat.  I asked him if he would like the window seat as I had seen enough, and he was very appreciative and took up my offer.  I had an aisle seat for a change, and it was fine.

Another 6 ½ hour flight to Melbourne, 3 of those hours were spent flying from the top of Australia to the bottom.  I thought what a vast country this is.  There were the same films, the same drinks, a meal and a snack.  I tried to get some sleep and believe I dozed for a while, but didn’t really sleep.

The plane arrived in Melbourne and landed uneventfully.  I disembarked and followed the signs to baggage reclaim.  Waited for my case to appear, which happened very quickly, collected it and set off for security and immigration.

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Melbourne Airport

The signs were confusing to me, there were lanes for people from Australia and New Zealand and then there were lanes for everyone else.  I went down the everyone else lane.  I came to passport control and they didn’t even look at the visa I had so diligently bought.  My passport was stamped and I was in Australia.

I found myself in the arrivals hall and there was a coffee shop.  I had to have a coffee so I bought one and spent some of my Australia dollars.  The people were so friendly and helpful.  I texted Geoff to say I had landed and was in the arrivals hall.  He appeared about 15 minutes later and we went off to find his car and start the 350 kilometre drive to Wangaratta and it was only 6am their time.

I felt a little tired, but not enough to warrant going to bed.  Geoff suggested I get some sleep on the way, but I didn’t feel it was necessary.  It was still dark being their winter, and the roads were strange, with signs that are different from those in the UK.  The drive took about 3 hours and then I was there, at Glenloth and meeting Heather in person.

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Heather’s house – Glenloth

 It felt really good to give Heather a hug and go into her house.  It was as though we had just popped out and come back in, the conversation just continued.  I felt so at home, welcome and pleased to see Heather.  She looked a little tired, but other than that she looked fairly good.  I was shown to my room and where the facilities were and told to make myself at home.  Geoff cooked me breakfast and Heather and I sat and chatted for the rest of the day.

I did begin to flag around 8.30pm and went to bed.  I had been up since 6am on Sunday and it was now Tuesday.  I thought I hadn’t done too badly.  I felt it would be best for me to stay up as long as I could, then in the morning I would be bright eyed and bushy tailed.  I slept for 12 hours. I felt really good in the morning.

I felt really at home at Glenroth, I was accepted by the dog Mickey and the cat Dixcey.  Even the working dogs were friendly to me.  Having seen photos of the farm before it all seemed very familiar.  I was sitting looking out the window at the views that Heather had photographed.  It was really quite surreal.

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Heather and I at Glenloth

 I met a couple of Heather’s friends – Gillian and Susan – and they were very friendly.  Susan took us out on two afternoons in her car.  We went out for afternoon tea and cake.  Heather was looking good and a bit brighter.

It all felt right to me.  I felt I had done the right thing, even though it was scary.

Heather and I chatted about nothing in particular, put the world to rights and enjoyed each other’s company.

On the Friday we set off for Melbourne again for Heather’s appointment at the hospital for her next chemotherapy session.  We arrived in plenty of time and waited for the doctors to see her.  Then it was time for the chemo.  Geoff and I went and got some lunch in the restaurant whilst Heather was provided with lunch, and then I sat with her until her session was finished.

I felt privileged to be able to be there for Heather and to offer some support, however little that was.

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Heather and I, assisted by Alfred the bear, in the Chemo Unit

Since I was flying out on Sunday it had been decided that we would all stay with Heather’s son and daughter-in-law who lived on the outskirts of Melbourne.  So we set off to their house and arrived around 5pm.  Rhys and Sonia provided us with food and I had their second spare room. It was very comfortable and again I felt very welcome.

On the Saturday Heather was feeling very tired so we girls sat and watched some dvds and had takeaway for dinner.  It was a gentle day, with lots of support for Heather who was feeling a bit down after the chemo.  I felt welcome and wanted and that was good.

On the Sunday morning I was dropped off at Melbourne airport by Geoff and Heather just before 9am.  We said our goodbyes and Geoff took Heather back home to Wangaratta.  They both thanked me for coming and said how much they appreciated it.  I was just pleased that I was able to give support where it was needed.  I had enjoyed my stay and I felt ready to go home.

I went into the departures lounge and it was huge.  I was totally gobsmacked and thought what do I do now?  I wandered around a bit and there was a board, it said all the flights that were due to go today, and where the check in desks were.  Mine was in row B, but wasn’t open yet.  I waited for it to open, queued up and got checked in.  I had done that all by myself, with no help from anyone.  I was feeling quite pleased with myself. No, I was feeling proud of myself.

I went off in search of some breakfast as it was around 9.30am and I was feeling hungry.  I found a McDonalds and asked for a bacon sandwich.  This came with a hash brown and coffee.  That would do me for a while.  Having consumed that I went through security and immigration again.

I found the departure gate, which wasn’t too far away and sat down to wait for the plane and began to read my book again.  Soon it was time to board.  Unlike on the way to Australia, the flight was full.  I was allocated a middle seat and was squashed in between a man and a woman.  There was no room to stretch out.  There were the same films, water and juices, a meal and a snack.  The flight was 7 hours to Brunei.

Again we all got off and there was a 2 hour stopover.  It was very hot again and we had to walk across the tarmac in the blistering heat.  But once in the terminal it was air conditioned thankfully. I texted Kelvin to say that I had arrived in Brunei.

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Model of the Boeing 787 in Brunei Airport

 I bought a bottle of water this time and drank the lot.  I was very thirsty.  I noticed that the air felt very dry in the plane, maybe because there were more people.  But I noticed that I just wanted to get home and was impatient to get there.

Through security again and we all got back on the plane again and set off for Dubai.  7 hours later we arrived.  There had been the same films, water and juices, a meal and a snack.  It was again very hot and I was glad to be able to stretch my legs around the airport for a short while.  I texted Kelvin to tell him I had arrived in Dubai.  I had a look in the duty free shops and noticed that they had some very expensive tourist ‘gifts’.  I could have bought a remote control helicopter.  But I resisted.

Through security again and we all boarded the plane for the last of the three flights back to Heathrow.  Another 7 hours and we would land at 6.30am.  I felt tired, thirsty and little impatient because I just wanted to get home.  There were the same films, water and juices, a meal and a snack.  I did wonder why I was eating breakfast at 3.30am whilst 4 miles up in the air. The cabin crew were delightful and were always smiling, nothing was too much trouble for them.  I am very impressed with Royal Brunei Airlines.

The plane landed at Heathrow on time and we all got off.  I went to the baggage claim to find my suitcase.  I texted Kelvin to tell him that we had landed and I was in the baggage hall.  My case took an age to appear on the carousel.  Eventually it appeared and I was so relieved since I didn’t want the hassle of reporting it missing, filling in forms and trying to remember what was in it.

So an hour after landing I went through immigration, through the nothing to declare channel.  I was stopped by a customs official and asked if I would go with him.  So I did into another room where he wanted to see my passport.  He asked me where I had come from.  I told him that I had come from Melbourne via Brunei and somewhere else I couldn’t for the life of me remember.  He asked me if I had packed my case myself and I said yes.  He asked me if I was carrying anything for anyone else such as drugs or firearms and I said no.  He asked me if I was bringing in any alcohol or cigarettes and I said no.  He seemed happy with my answers and sent me on my way.  I went out into the arrivals lounge and there was Kelvin.  I was so relieved to see him and to be nearly home. He was pleased to see me too as he had missed me.  I felt a mixture of happiness to be home and guilt to have left him behind.  But there was no need to feel guilty, he was just glad that I was safe and home.

Kelvin drove me home and we stopped on the way for some coffee and a toasted teacake.  It felt really good to be with Kelvin and to have landed and not have to get on another plane.

We got the ferry and got home and everything was normal.

 Kelvin Currie

Kelvin

It had felt surreal to be sitting with Heather in her lounge in Australia, which looked familiar because I had seen it so many times during our call on Skype.  It felt right to be with her in her time of need and it all fell into place time wise because the universe had made sure it had happened at the right time.

I feel proud of myself for having organised my trip all by myself and undertaken the trip all by myself.  I am really pleased that I stepped outside of my comfort zone by a long way and made the trip. I have given myself a thoroughly deserved pat on the back.  I never ever thought that I would make a trip like this all on my own.  The fact that I have done it proves I have more potential than I thought, and makes me feel very proud of myself.

If this resonates with you and you would like to step out of your comfort zone but are not sure where to start, contact me and we can have a chat about how I can help you.

Maggie Currie

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Noticing your feelings and defining the reaction taking place within you.

It is common knowledge that feelings can often bring about a very challenging aspect to our lives. We can experience very intense emotions without understanding precisely why. Consequently we can find it difficult to identify those solutions to relieving our distress, calming our minds and understanding why we are experiencing these emotions.

When we have mastered the ability of naming our feelings we can then tame them by finding an appropriate resolution. We are able to retake control of our personal power by becoming courageous enough to recognise and articulate, out loud and concisely, the essence of our emotions.

Once we assume ownership of these challenges we are empowered to shift from one emotional state to another — and with the added bonus of letting go of pain and upset because we have made it our own by defining it, examining the effect it had on our lives, and exerted our authority over it by making it our own. Additionally, by naming our feelings, we claim the right to divest ourselves of them whenever we choose.

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When you are preparing to acknowledge your feelings aloud, take care to remind  yourself gently that being specific is an important part of exercising control. It doesn’t matter what the nature of your feelings is, define very carefully the reaction taking place within you.

For instance, if you have a fear of a particular situation or are intimidated by an individual, endeavour not to mince your words while giving voice to your anxiety. The precision with which you choose to express yourself is indicative of your overall willingness to stare your feelings in the face without flinching. Naming and claiming may not always work if you keep this information to yourself. There will be occasions where you will find the release you desire achieve will only be found by admitting your feelings to other people. When this is the case, your ability to outline your feelings explicitly will help you to ask for the support or guidance you need without you becoming bogged down in the feelings that led you to make this admission in the first place.

So how do you identify that you have a particular feeling or emotion, and how do you define the reaction taking place within you?  Sit down quietly, close your eyes and ‘listen’ to your body.  What is it telling you?

For instance, do you feel a strange sensation in your stomach, or is there an uncomfortable sensation in your back, neck, arm or somewhere else?  Focus on what you notice, really focus and allow it.  Keep focusing on it and you will notice that once you have allowed it, the strange or uncomfortable sensation will gradually diminish and then disappear.  But not before you have associated it with the feeling or emotion that had caused it.

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When you have moved past that slight apprehension associated with expressing the feelings that are causing you distress out loud, you will be surprised to discover that you feel both liberated and lightened. This is because you have made a clear connection between your feelings and what is causing them allowing you to unravel the mystery that previously kept you from being in complete control of your emotional state.

The process of giving voice to your feelings allows you to let them go. Once you have let them go, you will naturally relax and rediscover your emotional equilibrium.

Contact me to have a free chat on how my coaching can help you understand and embrace your emotions.

Maggie Currie 

Creedence – Confidence for You

Coaching you to become the very best version of you so you can have more fun, live a better life and enjoy your work.

 

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