Is the feeling of fear real?

The feeling of fear. What is it? Can you describe it?

When I ask this of myself and others, the replies are the thoughts people have about fear and not a description of the “feeling” of fear.

That is not unexpected, after all it is the left brain’s, rational/analytical job to put into words feelings that arise from somewhere in our bodies, the subconscious.

Instinct, intuition, imagination and everything else that’s in the right brain doesn’t generally speak to us.

The subconscious mind speaks and thinks in pictures, senses and sensations, urges, vibrations, waves, patterns, connections and possibly in other intangible ways.

So when you talk about fear you are actually talking about your thinking.  You are talking about the mind’s attempt to translate your physiological responses through thought and language and how it tries to make rational sense.

emotionalwoman

I believe your emotions are just that, authentic feelings being expressed in thought.  And fear is just such an emotion.

That’s what is making me think that fear doesn’t really exist in any other dimension of our being.  I believe it is possible that there is no such thing as fear outside of the subconscious mind. That the feeling of fear is not real. The case has been made in the past that fear is necessary for self-preservation. But is it?

The fight or flight survival response is an occurrence that happens without thought. It really doesn’t have the time to be otherwise.  Look at something you are ‘scared of’, a spider, a bear, a clown. Do you feel fear or are you thinking fear?

If you were to walk around the corner and come face to face with a huge grizzly bear, you would definitely feel something right away.  But is that feeling fear?

If you listen to people who have encountered survival situations, whether they be stopping someone falling off a cliff, ripping the door off a burning car, disarming a man with a knife, they will say their sense in that moment was not fear. They were too busy with their actions.

Fear after the act, yes.

We have all felt that thing that our mind has labelled fear. But is that what it really is?

Maybe not.

FEAR =

 False

Expectations

Appearing

Real

Think about the interview scenario:  You are sitting waiting to go into the room, you think ‘what if there are ten people on the panel’, ‘what if they ask me questions I can’t answer’, ‘what if they are all wearing suits’.

What are you actually afraid of?  You are not afraid of the panel, you are not afraid of the questions, you are not afraid of the suits.  You are not afraid of the reality, but of the negative expectation, or thoughts, of what you imagine might happen next.

 New for 2013. From confusion to clarity – Becoming ME again

But if any of those things did really upset you that much, you would take flight and there really wouldn’t be any thought involved at all.  Your intuition and instinct rule your fight or flight response.  Only 2% of our fears actually occur, the other 98% are just imagined.

Trust in your intuition and don’t let false expectations drive your life.

Do you want to remain stuck and miserable with the fear of making changes in your life? 

I have some availability for coaching clients, we just need to fix some dates if and when you want to get started. Get in touch today.

Maggie Currie 

Creedence – Confidence for You

International Confidence Coach, Motivational Speaker, Author

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Learning to set my personal boundaries

Setting boundaries was difficult for me at first.  I have this innate wish to help and please other people and I have learned that this is not a good way to behave.

I learned that my behaviour was dictated by my parents who wanted me to be the person they thought I ought to be and did not allow me to be ME. They did the best they could and they meant well, they didn’t abuse me in any way, but they did dictate what I thought, who I spoke to, who I mixed with at school and who I should or shouldn’t be friends with. I was manipulated from a very small child to become who they wanted me to be, to allay their fears that I might become like my birth mother, a sixteen year old single girl who got pregnant at a fair ground by a traveller.

It has therefore taken a lot of work on my behalf and with the help of my coach to change that way of thinking and to start living my life as ME and uncovering the real ME.  This has led to some amazing realisations and huge shifts in my consciousness and my perceptions of myself and acknowledgement of my emotions which have been suppressed for so many years.

emotionalwoman

One of these realisations is that I can live my life in my own way, not be manipulated by anyone, and not feel guilty about it. After all it is my life and I must look after me first, otherwise I can’t possibly look after anyone else.

I have been manipulated in the past by my daughter.  She uses emotional blackmail, whether she realises it or not, to get what she wants – and this is usually money.  When she and her boyfriend bought their first house I helped out with the deposit. We bought her the basics – a fridge/freezer, cooker, washing machine to go in the house.  A year or two later she and her boyfriend got married and we paid for the wedding – to be fair to her she got some very good deals and she had the day that she wanted and that was all that mattered to me for her wedding day.

She then sold her house and bought a flat.  She dumped all the kitchen stuff, fridge, cooker, washing machine and started again with new stuff in the flat they had bought.  We helped with the moving costs at her request because she had no money.

Then she gave birth to her daughter and we helped out with the usual baby stuff and a whole lot of bits and pieces too.  Then her husband decided he wanted to open a cafe and they asked if we could help with the deposit.  So we did.  The cafe failed after six months.

They decided they wanted to open a sandwich bar, could we help out with the rent – s0 we did – this too failed after a year, basically after the pre-paid rent ran out.

All of the above requests for money were to be ‘loans’.  Of course they were never repaid and ran into many thousands of pounds.

Then she gave birth to her son and they decided between them that they would have a year off working to be at home with the children.  They applied for every benefit they could and got them.  Then they sold their flat at much under the market value and moved into rented accommodation and have moved around a bit since then.

Then came requests for school uniforms for the children, as they needed more things and she had no money.  I bought some school uniform items on her behalf on the internet, again expecting to repaid, but nothing was forthcoming.

At this point I decided that if they weren’t going to help themselves then I wasn’t going to help them either.  After all she was 30 years old, married with two children.

teenage depression - teen woman sitting thinking

Inevitably this caused a rift as she felt that I was abandoning her and that I didn’t care and that I didn’t love her.  I do love her very much, I do care and I wasn’t abandoning her – she has to live her life as she wants and if that is the life she chooses then I am not responsible, and I do not judge her.

Now she is 34 years old, pregnant again, still has no money and I have agreed to buy a cot for the new baby.  I was asked if I would buy anything else too and I have said no.

Although I love my daughter unconditionally, I cannot and will not live her life for her or bail her out any more.  I have my own life to lead and my own expenses.  My boundaries are set, I am sticking to them and I am living my life as ME.  I will not be manipulated or emotionally blackmailed any more.

I cannot be held responsible for somebody else’s life, it is up to my daughter to live the life that she wants, and if this is it, so be it.  I am always here for her whenever she needs me to support her in all that she does.

This has been a very hard lesson to learn for me and when the realisation finally came that I was ME, and I had missed out on all those years of being ME because of the manipulation and emotional blackmail from my parents, my first husband, my children etc., I was at first angry and then happy because now I know that everything I am doing is for me first and when I feel good and happy then everyone around me feels the same.

I have learned  how to look after myself first and how to say no without guilt.  I have learned that my boundaries are vital to my day-to-day living and that once people are aware of those boundaries they respect them and me.  That isn’t to say that I always say no, I know when to say yes and when to say no.
I have some availability for coaching clients, we just need to fix some dates if and when you want to get started. Get in touch today.

Maggie Currie 

Creedence – Confidence for You

International Confidence Coach, Motivational Speaker, Author

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