July 13, 2015 by Maggie Currie

Dealing with emotional and psychological abuse

I discovered that emotional abuse came from several directions. It came from my first husband who, for years, told me that I was not clever, no use at ironing his shirts, not like his mother, not good enough to be part of his family….. and so on, and on he went.

It also came from my parents who encouraged me to stay with my first husband even though I was plainly unhappy and the marriage wasn’t working. I was told that I was far too young to know my own mind and that divorce was out of the question.

My parents-in-law agreed with my husband that I wasn’t good enough for their family and therefore I should learn how to be a good wife and do everything that I was told to do by my husband.

I dealt with this in the only way that I knew how at the time. I kept my head down, did as I was told and just plodded on through life. I was unhappy and I couldn’t see any end to the misery that I was enduring.

I did, however, find a way out in the end. I was more and more unhappy, the marriage was just not working. My husband was diagnosed as being schizophrenic but he would not accept this. He refused to be treated in any way and accused me of being the instigator of his supposed illness. He was unreasonable and unpredictable and became obsessed with the idea that I was having an affair and would tell me that because I had taken five minutes longer to do the shopping than he expected I must have been meeting a man. This was plainly ridiculous as I had three small children and the shopping to carry. I had neither the time, the energy or the inclination to do so.

This emotional and psychological abuse went on for 10 years. In the end something clicked in my head and I couldn’t take it any longer. I realised that this was not normal. I had assumed that every marriage was like this. I was wrong.

I plucked up the courage to consult a solicitor who, after hearing my story, agreed that this was not normal and that I had grounds for a divorce. I filed for divorce and it took nearly 2 years to go through as it was contested. We all lived in the same house, but separately for that time. After 2 years I was granted divorce and I took the children and left. I received enough money to buy a small flat where we could live in another town twenty miles away. A new start, in a new town, with a new flat and no emotional abuse day after day.

The feeling of relief was immense, though it took some months before stopped being overwhelmed by it all.

I am now a much different person and I won’t tolerate emotional abuse from anyone, not from my children, my parents, friends – whoever. My husband now of 31 years would never emotionally abuse anyone and I am so very happy now.

Looking back I do realise that I allowed this to happen to me. At the time I didn’t realise it, but now I understand. Hindsight is a wonderful thing.

So to deal with emotional abuse can be difficult and it can become impossible. If it becomes impossible for you then you have to choose whether you deserve better or not – I think you do.

So what can you do to get out of this place where you are emotionally abused?

Get some help from a qualified coach or therapist – make sure it is someone who understands what you are experiencing and can relate to what you are telling them so you can begin your healing process.
•Look online for some blogs that refer to what you are going through. Read them, make comments on them. Open up a dialogue to help you get some answers.
•Buy a self-help book and take some action to change the way you think about yourself.
•Make the decision to not be emotionally abused any longer.

Get in touch today to find out how my inspirational coaching can transform first you – and then your life

Maggie Currie

Thought Leader, Coach, Speaker, Author, Survivor

Contributor to BBC Radio, Vectis Radio, Susan Rich Radio

Published author and regularly write articles for national and international magazines.

Find out more about me and my ‘Why’ on my website

May 18, 2015 by Maggie Currie

Do you have relationship anxiety?

Relationship anxiety is very destructive, as you know. If you don’t learn how to get rid of anxiety in your relationship, it leads into a very devastating downward spiral:

One of the first things you will notice is that you become suspicious – you begin worrying about your partner not loving you, or not caring as much as you do. Thoughts of them being unfaithful. Many more self-destructive thoughts and emotions. And of course, all of these will fuel your relationship anxiety.

In order to learn how to get rid of anxiety in your relationship, think about what you can do:

Ask your partner for reassurance. When you find yourself becoming suspicious in your relationship, try to remember that it is probably being fueled by your anxiety. You may be able to get some relief from your relationship anxiety by asking your partner for occasional reassurance. They will be happy to give this if they are patient and understanding of your anxiety.

This kind of support may well be very helpful to you. Ask a trusted friend who is prepared to give you an honest answer if there might be some real reason for you to feel this way. But even when you get that real information, it may not help alleviate your relationship anxiety. You will have to work on that yourself. Perhaps your worry is that you feel that you are too “needy” in your relationship.

For instance, do you need constant reassurance and want your partner to regularly prove that things are really okay? This will inevitably put pressure on you and your partner and will add to the relationship anxiety.

A grateful attitude helps in times of extreme stress

I got married when I was 19 years old and discovered after about six months that I had made a terrible mistake. I was under a lot of pressure from my parents to stay in the marriage as it was not ‘the done thing’ to separate or divorce. In their opinion, I was far too young to know what I was doing. I believed them as I knew nothing different and so I tried to make the marriage work.

Inevitably the pressure of trying to make it work instead of figuring out how to get rid of anxiety in my relationship made me very unhappy and anxious indeed. I stuck at it until I couldn’t take it any longer and I made the decision to leave, take the children, and strike out on my own. That was the right decision for me, and the anxiety was lifted almost as if a huge weight had been taken off my shoulders.

If any of this is resonating with you, then you will need to find ways to cope with your anxiety and learn to rely more on yourself for feeling better – taking the pressure off your partner. This will allow you to become more self-sufficient, even in your anxiety. Give yourself permission to reassure yourself instead of turning to your partner for comfort each time you are anxious. Find ways to learn to think more positively. Try being grateful for what you have.

When you are anxious you can create all kinds of ideas in your imagination that appear so intolerable that you feel compelled to take impulsive and totally misguided actions. You will find yourself:

Jumping to conclusions
Making decisions that are destined to fail
Behaving in a totally childish manner, sulking and demanding attention.

Look for solutions that will relieve your relationship anxiety and won’t result in increasing your problems further.

When you are anxious your partner will be anxious too. It becomes a vicious circle and the anxiety is fed constantly.

Learning to trust your intuition is an important part of reducing your anxiety. So, slow down, think through anything you are considering doing and follow your intuition. Make the effort to stop listening to that nagging voice that is telling you something is wrong. It is very likely when you slow down and think rationally that you will find a much better solution for you and your relationship. In this way, you can successfully get rid of anxiety in your relationship.

Maggie Currie

Thought Leader, Speaker, Author, Survivor

Contributor to BBC Radio, Vectis Radio, Susan Rich Radio

Published author and regularly write articles for national and international magazines.

Find out more about me and my ‘Why’ on my website

April 9, 2015 by Maggie Currie

Why do people stay in abusive relationships?

There are many, many reasons why women and men don’t leave an abusive relationship. Often it is because they don’t realise that they are being abused. They think it is normal. I know from experience that I believed the emotional, psychological and financial abuse I suffered was normal. I thought everyone’s relationship worked in this way. It wasn’t until I literally woke up one day and thought ‘this is n’t normal’ and started really looking at other people’s relationships that I realised I was in an abusive relationship.

I went and consulted a solicitor who agreed that not only was this an abusive relationship but I had grounds for divorce. Unreasonable behaviour. And so I took my courage in both hands and filed for divorce.

What is an abusive relationship?

One where you are treated in one or more of these ways:

Manipulated – Have their will imposed on you so you do as they say without realising it

Controlled – told what to wear, what to do, where to go, where you can and can’t work, who you can and can’t speak to

Insulted – in private and/or in public

Treated as a possession

Told that everything is your fault

Deprived of money – only allowed so much a day not allowed your own income

Deprived of friends – not allowed to have friends

Only allowed a mobile phone as long as you only call the abuser and they control the bill

Psychologically mistreated – made to feel worthless

Emotionally mistreated – constantly told you are useless and nobody wants you

Physically – beaten, burned, tortured

Sexually – raped, made to perform acts you don’t want to, made to be part of a threesome

Verbally – shouted at, berated in front of other people, made to feel small and inadequate

Held prisoner/locked up

Made to have meals on the table at specific times and threatened with various consequences if they don’t appear on time.

Interestingly in 1995 a national survey showed that just under 50% of abusers are in fact female.

I believe that most of the reasons that people don’t leave abusive relationships, once they realise what it is, stem from fear.

Most of the fears are understandable, but often irrational. For instance, fear of having no money if they leave. Because women are generally at home looking after the children, they don’t have any income of their own. The fear of financial ruin builds in the mind until it becomes ‘I can’t survive if I leave’. And so they stay.

Fear of losing the children. If a man has been abused he may find it very difficult to leave with the children.

Most of the fears are understandable, but often irrational. For instance, fear of having no money if they leave. It may be they don’t have any income of their own. The fear of financial ruin builds in the mind until it becomes ‘I can’t survive if I leave’. And so they stay.

Fear of what other people might think. There is often a social stigma that labels people as failures if they dare to leave their partners. Usually nobody outside the home realises what is going on which adds to that stigma. This leads to feelings of insecurity. And so they stay.

Fear of what might happen to them at the hand of their partner if they did leave. Often people believe that their partner will come after them and kill them and/or their children. The threats are made to them over and over again, until they are ingrained in their mind. And so they stay.

People often fear that they are the reason that they are abused. That it is their fault. And if they were to change their ways their abusive partner would be different. A false supposition. And so they stay.

Of course, the abuser will tell their partner that they will change, they won’t do it again. But they do. They never change.

I know how difficult it is to leave an abusive relationship. I was verbally, emotionally and financially abused by my first husband. He would belittle me in front of the children and other people, always tell me that I knew nothing, that I was of no use and he would do anything to stop me succeeding at anything. Add to that the fact that my parents believed that I should make the marriage work because I was too young, in their opinion, to know what I was doing, and I was financially dependent. And so I stayed. I stayed 10 years.

I did, eventually, wake up to the fact that it was not normal to be treated in this way, and found the courage to leave and take the children with me and started a new life in a different town. The feeling of relief was immense. Although I was threatened with all sorts of things, such as having the children removed, losing my flat etc., I discovered that the threats were empty. And this is probably true of most abusers. They are cowards and when someone actually stands up to them, they generally back off.

There are ways out of this horrendous situation. There are both men’s and women’s refuges who will help you so that you can get yourself out of the abusive home. Once you are out and can think about what options there are for you, there are counsellors and life coaches who can help you see yourself as you, the real person, and not a punch bag.

There are various organisations who can and will help you to start your new life. Social Services and the Police will work together to ensure that you are safe and help you to move on with your life. They will give you respite and guidance in a safe environment. There are solicitors, the Samaritans, Citizens’ Advice, Relate and they can all point you in the right direction for help. Schools will have contacts if you are worried about your children. There is a whole lot that can be done for you once you are out of the abusive situation and in a safe place. There are protocols that can be introduced and put into action for you.

There are trusted friends and family who may be able to help you too.

If I had known about life coaching back then I would have been first in the queue.

There is no reason good enough to actually justify staying in an abusive relationship.

It can be hard to admit that you are in an abusive relationship. But if you think you are being abused and you are unhappy, get out of that relationship as soon as possible. Take your courage in both hands and make the leap. Often men find it much harder to admit to being abused than women do, but I believe they are just as justified as anyone else. There is help out there for everyone.

Do you want to remain stuck and miserable? If your answer is no, find your way to get out and start your new life on your own terms.

Remember, the relationship has failed, not you. You are not a failure.

If you would like to chat confidentially about your situation, contact me hello@maggiecurrie.co.uk

Maggie Currie

Thought Leader, Speaker, Author, Survivor

Contributor to BBC Radio, Vectis Radio, Susan Rich Radio

Published author and regularly write articles for national and international magazines.

Find out more about me on my website.

December 30, 2014 by Maggie Currie

Do you really know what will it take to make you happy?

Think about it and see if you can discover, or if you know, what it will take for you to be happy?

Will being in a relationship, or with the right boyfriend/girlfriend make you happy?
Will being married make you happy?
Will having a million pounds make you happy?
Will being successful make you happy?
Will having better health make you happy?
Will getting a new job make you happy?
Will having a great career make you happy?

If you think the answer is yes to any or all of the above questions, you’ll never find happiness!

Surprised? Well don’t be. The truth is nothing can make you happy. Happiness is something we feel, not something we can find.

Being happy doesn’t depend on a particular outcome or something happening to you. There isn’t somewhere you can go and find happiness sitting there waiting for you.

Advertising of all sorts is designed to make you think that a new car, a particular skin cream, a new outfit, some new shoes, a drink or a new diet will make you happy, but that is simply not true. Nothing can make you happy because happiness is a feeling. Happiness is something you experience.

If you want to be happy, then be happy. Most people don’t choose to be happy because they spend most of their time focusing on what they perceive is wrong with their life.

Think about it, you can’t be happy doing something that you don’t like. If you don’t believe me try it. Try doing something you despise and see if you can be happy at the same time. Trust me, you won’t be happy doing something you don’t enjoy!

You also can’t do something you really enjoy and be sad or angry. Don’t believe me? Try it. See what happens. Go and try doing something you really enjoy and see if you’re angry or miserable at the same time. That really doesn’t work.

Unfortunately, people believe they can be happy when they achieve a particular goal and make the mistake of chasing that goal in order to be happy. It’s really not achieving the goal that makes them happy. It’s the feeling of achieving the goal that provides another feeling, satisfaction perhaps, that is mistaken for happiness.

This mistake is quite common, because it’s not security or peace of mind that makes you happy. You experience happiness when you do what you enjoy and when you focus on the positive things taking place in your life. If you’re not doing that then you can never be happy. Don’t think that you can be happy just by having something.

You can experience happiness by achieving your particular goal, by doing what you enjoy, having fun while achieving your goals and choosing the right goals, the kind that allow you to be happy all the time. Focus on what you want.

Start doing the things that you enjoy. Look at the positive things that are going on in your life. Direct your mind and subconscious mind to help you experience happiness every day. This will start once you begin to appreciate the good things in your life.

Okay so how can you begin to be happy? It’s really quite simple, all you have to do is shift your focus.

Instead of looking at all that is wrong with your life, instead of looking at what you don’t like about yourself or your life; constantly criticising; change your focus. Start appreciating all that is good in your life. You will probably find there are many things you appreciate.

Make a list if you want and write out all of the positive things in your life. Usually someone will say: “Maggie, I can’t think of anything positive or good in my life. I just want to be happy.” That’s only because you are not seeing all the positive things in your life. And so you’ll never be happy.

Every day there are wonderful things taking place in your life, yet you fail to observe and recognise them. You tend to take them for granted. This can be anything – a hot meal, a wonderful spouse, family, a beautiful flower, lambs playing in a field – If you have a roof over your head, that’s a positive aspect of your life.

Start looking at all of the great and terrific things that are going on in your life and you’ll begin to experience happiness on a deeper level. You can begin to improve or change the areas that you are not happy with but at the same time you should acknowledge the good things that are going on in your life.

Your mind is used to only paying attention to what is going wrong and in the process it directs the subconscious mind to continue creating more of those things that are going wrong. You actually create more of what makes you unhappy.

Why?

Because your subconscious creates what you regularly think about. So if you don’t regularly focus on the positive things you won’t create positive situations in your life.

And here’s where it gets worse. When you constantly focus on what is wrong with your life, when you only think about and see what is wrong in your life your subconscious begins to create more of what is wrong or more of what you don’t want because it thinks that you want more.

Now you know why it can be so difficult for some people to truly experience happiness, it’s because they’re used to focusing on the negative aspects of life and in the end continue to create more of what they don’t want.

In order to change all of this you have to begin training the mind and re-directing the subconscious mind to begin creating what you want in life and to focus on the good things that are taking place in your life.

Begin experiencing happiness by changing your focus. Every day think of the positive things that are going on in your life. Make a list of all the wonderful things that are taking place in your life.

Think of at least 3 great things that happened to you, they can be small or large – but just appreciate 3 good things that happened during the day. Focus on the positive. Direct your mind and subconscious mind by changing your perspective so you experience happiness everyday

Too often I hear from people who simply want to be happy but when I ask them what they do for fun they say: “Nothing.” No wonder you’re not happy. How can you be happy if you’re never having fun in life?

If you want to experience happiness then start doing things that you enjoy. You may like gardening; you may like hang gliding, you may like riding your bike, you may enjoy going for long walks, you may enjoy acting like a 5-year old – whatever it is start doing it and see how great you feel.

But there is one catch when you’re doing what you enjoy, you can only focus on that and not think about anything else that may be bothering you. That’s the only way you’ll truly enjoy the activity and begin to experience happiness.

As adults we get bogged down with the everyday tasks that force us to be serious. We have jobs where we’re serious, bills to pay, food to prepare, children to look after, it’s all too serious and it is necessary. I’m not suggesting you ignore your responsibilities – but take some time just to have some fun.

Now you can’t just have fun once a week or once a month. You have to do this every day. It can be for just 5 minutes a day if you like. That means every day you have to find something fun to do, and only then will you get comfortable and used to the process to the point where you regularly experience happiness. Once you start doing this you’ll enjoy it so much you’ll wonder why you never did this to begin with.

If you don’t feel you have the time to have fun and enjoy your life then you’re really saying that your happiness is not important enough. Only when you decide to be happy will you truly begin to experience happiness. You can work with the techniques I’ve outlined – they will help you get started. But you will need to train your mind and subconscious mind to begin seeing and living in a different way.

Maggie Currie

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© Maggie Currie and Maggie Currie Coaching, 2011-2016. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Maggie Currie and MaggieCurrie.com with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

November 15, 2014 by Maggie Currie

How to change your behaviours

Your behaviour develops your character. OK, you have learned where your beliefs come from, and you are now aware that you can change your attitudes. You have realised that your perception of life is totally unique. You have discovered that your subconscious mind is ruling the roost. And you have found out that you are living each day by the habits built up in the subconscious mind and that you weren’t even aware of it.

All this sounds pretty negative, doesn’t it? Well it really isn’t. Knowing all this is positive as it now means that you have the power to change things, and you can now be well on the way to making your reality what you want it to be, instead of what your subconscious thinks you want it to be.

Now you know how to change your attitude to someone or something you can begin to change your behaviour as well.

Same old same old
Let me explain. It may be that your typical weekday is made up of a regular pattern of behaviour that you have been following for some years. It could be that you get up at 7a.m., complete your morning ablutions, go to the kitchen, turn on the television, put the kettle on, make tea/coffee, eat your cereal and toast while getting dressed. Leave for work at 7.45a.m. and it is all a bit of a rush. You go outside and get in your car and drive to work and you always get caught in a traffic jam and, more often than not, you arrive at work just in time to sit at your desk before the boss comes in at 9a.m., and you are all flustered.

The working day goes on and at lunchtime you always go to XYZ sandwich bar and have a sandwich with exactly the same filling, and you always order exactly the same drink. You bring them back to your desk and eat while carrying on with your work. Invariably you have indigestion and you don’t feel that you have had a lunch break.

At 5p.m. you set off for home and you get caught in a traffic jam again and you arrive home at 6.15p.m. feeling stressed and exhausted. You turn on the television, start to prepare your evening meal and sit and eat it in front of the television, but you don’t really enjoy it. The television programmes float past. You have become a victim of your own habits.

Then comes the washing up, all the usual chores of washing or ironing. Friday is shopping night and that is such a chore and you go around the supermarket and buy anything and everything that you perceive will make your life easier, because it doesn’t need cooking or preparing or whatever.

Then at 10p.m. you go to bed to go to sleep. You perhaps don’t sleep well. This pattern repeats every day, every week, every month.

Weekends are taken up with housework, more washing and ironing, gardening (if you have a garden) and perhaps Sunday lunch with your parents or relatives, whether you really want to see them or not.

The next week is exactly the same, and the next, and the next and so on. This is your current reality.

All that repetition in your behaviour creates habits. The habits feel comfortable to you and they can get far too comfortable. They can get so comfortable that they appear to be the only safe way to proceed. You have created a ‘safe place’, something like a really comfy armchair that hugs you all around, with some lovely comfy slippers, and your television has beautiful stars all around it because it is so warm and inviting to you.

Breaking the habit
But has it got so safe and so comfy that you become really scared to change anything? After all, life has carried on like this for years without change, why change anything now when you are feeling so safe? Even though you know you are not satisfied with this life of ritual and habit.

What would happen if you changed just one thing about your day? Would the world come abruptly to an end? Would the sky fall down? Would your friends all run away?

No, none of those things would happen. If you were to change just one of those patterns of behaviour, your life would begin to be more interesting and less exhausting.

Don’t believe me?

Give this a try. It is not a major change to your daily behaviour, it is a very tiny change, but it is one that will make a huge difference to you.

Every day you have gone to XYZ sandwich bar and bought the same type of sandwich and drink and taken them back to your desk and worked through your lunch. Make the decision that today, instead, you are going to make a tiny change to your routine and go to ABC café instead. Find a café that looks nice and welcoming to you and that you think you will feel comfortable in. Try out a few over the next few days if you prefer until you find just the right one for you.

Then go to ABC café, by all means have the same sandwich as usual. Buy a drink, it can be the one you usually buy. But, instead of taking these back to your desk, stay in the café, sit and enjoy your lunch, relax, watch the people all around you. Take your time and really enjoy your lunch. Then take a stroll back to your office and begin your afternoon feeling rested and refreshed.

Notice the difference it makes to you and to your day. Notice that the world has not ended.

Just one little change in your behaviour can make a huge difference to your working day.

Now your reality will look totally different. Instead of being tired and exhausted, you will be refreshed and raring to go. Your colleagues will notice the difference in you too.

Once you have achieved that small change, take a look at the other patterns of behaviour in your daily life. What other small changes can you make that will make huge differences to your reality? Could you have something different in your sandwich?

What about the time you get up and go out in the morning? Could that be changed to make it less likely that you will catch the traffic jams?

Is there an evening class, reading group or a dance class you could join that would get you out of that comfy armchair and meeting people and helping you to enjoy your life more?

Can you change your reality so that you are really happy and doing what you want rather than what your subconscious thinks you want?

Make a note of some small changes you can make to your everyday life to change your reality.

Your brain craves change, but it is also terrified of change and therefore it will happily let you think that by doing the same things over and over again you are safe and that doing something different is scary.

But if you were to go to a different café for your lunch what would happen? Would the world come to an abrupt end? No. Would XYZ sandwich bar go out of business? No. Would you still go to bed at night, sleep and get up the next morning? Yes of course you would, the world wouldn’t end. But your reality would change and you would feel so much better for it.

I am sure you can change just one or two little things and make a huge difference to your life and create a new reality for yourself.

What if you were to get up just fifteen minutes earlier and left for work just fifteen minutes earlier. Would you miss the traffic jams? Would you arrive at work less stressed? Would you be able to start your day on a more positive note? Yes you probably would.

Our primary relationship in life is with our selves. No one else goes through every experience in life with us. We are our one permanent companion, yet we are often our worst critic.