October 19, 2012 by Maggie Currie

How to improve your life pre and post divorce

Going through divorce takes its toll, I can attest to that! I thought the process would never end and that I would never be able to get away and live my life on my own.

I had all the doubts that come with being in an uncertain situation. I was afraid of making mistakes, of making the wrong decisions, losing control of my emotions, trying to be civil to my ex, especially in front of the children, and I lost sight of who I was.

I found the fear of making mistakes to be so overwhelming, and I thought that those mistakes were going to affect me for evermore. That was very scary. I found the way to stop it being so overwhelming was to get professional help. I used the services of a solicitor I could trust. It is important for you to surround yourself with professionals whose expertise you trust and respect – and also that you can afford. I know it will make such a difference to you.

Decision making became a chore. I was frequently asked to make decisions. That too was very worrying. But what is it I was worrying about? The unknown of course. Make sure you get all the facts; analyse those facts; make a decision – then ACT on that decision. I know then you will get unstuck and move forward.

Being in control of emotions is very important. I found that nobody wanted to hear me talk incessantly about my ex. But I did need to talk to someone to let out all that rage and anger. I tried to limit those listeners to a few very good friends and a few family members I trusted. Be aware of who you are talking to, the checkout assistant in the supermarket really doesn’t want to know just what a horrible idiot your ex-husband is!

I know how difficult it is to remember who you are in the divorce process. Try and make sure your priority is you. No matter how well or badly your divorce goes, even in the very worst divorces, there will be a time for you to heal and accept. It is definitely preferable to do all you can to maintain a civil relationship with your ex. For a time you will feel all the emotions that go with a fight. Once that fight is over, let go of the bitterness, because if you don’t, it will only be you who will suffer.

I was very angry at first and it really didn’t do me any good at all. Choose not to be angry, after all being angry is a choice. There are many reasons to hold onto anger and refuse to let it go. There are some people who become addicted to anger. Anger gives a false sense of power and strength. However, the real strength comes from having the ability to recognise the false rush anger brings and to have the power of stepping back and seeing the whole situation for what it really is. Real power helps you to respond with clarity and compassion.

Going through divorce I was a mum, an ex-wife and a huge number of other descriptions. But where was I? I was lost, but I made the effort to find me again. It’s vital for you to remember that you are so much more than a newly single woman or a mother. You are a strong woman, a worker, a friend, a volunteer – there are so many facets to you. You need to weave these facets into your definition of yourself.

Follow these steps and you won’t become an angry ex-wife who has lost her identity and spends all her days telling supermarket staff how bad her life is. You will be in control, able to make decisions that are right for you and will avoid making mistakes.

I have some availability for coaching clients, we just need to fix some dates if and when you want to get started. Get in touch today.

Maggie Currie

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September 29, 2012 by Maggie Currie

How to deal with relationship anxiety

Relationship anxiety is very destructive, as you know. If you don’t learn how to get rid of anxiety in your relationship, it leads into a very devastating downward spiral:

Suspiciousness
Worrying about your partner not loving you, or not caring as much as you do
Thoughts of them being unfaithful

Many more self-destructive thoughts and emotions. And of course, all of these will fuel your relationship anxiety. In order to learn how to get rid of anxiety in your relationship, take the following steps:

Ask your partner for reassurance. When you find yourself becoming suspicious in your relationship, try to remember that it is probably being fueled by your anxiety. You may be able to get some relief from your relationship anxiety by asking your partner for occasional reassurance. They will be happy to give this if they are patient and understanding of your anxiety. This kind of support may well be very helpful to you.

Ask a trusted friend who is prepared to give you an honest answer if there might be some real reason for you to feel this way. But even when you get that real information, it may not help alleviate your relationship anxiety. You will have to work on that yourself. Perhaps your worry is that you feel that you are too “needy” in your relationship. For instance, do you need constant reassurance and want your partner to regularly prove that things are really okay? This will inevitably put pressure on you and your partner and will add to the relationship anxiety.

I got married when I was 19 years old and discovered after about six months that I had made a terrible mistake. I was under a lot of pressure from my parents to stay in the marriage as it was not ‘the done thing’ to separate or divorce. In their opinion, I was far too young to know what I was doing. I believed them as I knew nothing different and so tried to make the marriage work.

Inevitably the pressure of trying to make it work instead of figuring out how to get rid of anxiety in my relationship made me very unhappy and anxious indeed. I stuck at it until I couldn’t take it any longer and I made the decision to leave, take the children, and strike out on my own. That was the right decision for me, and the anxiety was lifted almost as if a huge weight had been taken off my shoulders.

If any of this is resonating with you, then you will need to find ways to cope with your anxiety and learn to rely more on yourself for feeling better – taking the pressure off your partner. This will allow you to become more self-sufficient, even in your anxiety. Give yourself permission to reassure yourself instead of turning to your partner for comfort each time you are anxious. Find ways to learn to think more positively. Try being grateful for what you have.

When you are anxious you can create all kinds of ideas in your imagination that appear so intolerable that you feel compelled to take impulsive and totally misguided actions. You will find yourself:

Jumping to conclusions
Making decisions that are destined to fail
Behaving in a totally childish manner, sulking and demanding attention.

Look for solutions that will relieve your relationship anxiety and won’t result in increasing your problems further. When you are anxious your partner will be anxious too. It becomes a vicious circle and the anxiety is fed constantly.

Learning to trust your intuition is an important part of reducing your anxiety. So, slow down, think through anything you are considering doing and follow your intuition. Make the effort to stop listening to that nagging voice that is telling you something is wrong. It is very likely when you slow down and think rationally that you will find a much better solution for you and your relationship. In this way, you can successfully get rid of anxiety in your relationship.

I have some availability for coaching clients, we just need to fix some dates if and when you want to get started. Get in touch today.

Maggie Currie

Creedence – Confidence for You

International Confidence Coach, Motivational Speaker, Author

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September 28, 2012 by Maggie Currie

Why do women stay in abusive relationships?

There are many, many reasons why women don’t leave an abusive relationship. I believe that most of the reasons stem from fear.

Most of the fears are understandable, but often irrational. For instance, fear of having no money if they leave. Because women are generally at home looking after the children, they don’t have any income of their own. The fear of financial ruin builds in the mind until it becomes ‘I can’t survive if I leave’. And so they stay.

Fear of what other people might think. There is often a social stigma that labels women as failures if they dare to leave their partners. Usually nobody outside the home realises what is going on which adds to that stigma. This leads to feelings of insecurity. And so they stay.

Fear of what might happen to them at the hand of their partner if they did leave. Often women believe that their partner will come after them and kill them and/or their children. The threats are made to them over and over again, until they are ingrained in their mind. And so they stay.

Women often fear that they are the reason that they are abused. That it is their fault. And if they were to change their ways their abusive partner would be different. A false supposition. And so they stay.

I know how difficult it is to leave an abusive relationship. I was verbally, psychologically, financially and emotionally abused by my first husband. He would belittle me in front of the children and other people, always tell me that I knew nothing, that I was of no use and he would do anything to stop me succeeding at anything. Add to that the fact that my parents believed that I should make the marriage work because I was too young, in their opinion, to know what I was doing, I was financially dependent. And so I stayed. I stayed 12 years.

I did, eventually, find the courage to leave and take the children with me and started a new life in a different town. The feeling of relief was immense. Although I was threatened with all sorts of things, such as having the children removed, losing my flat etc., I discovered that the threats were empty. And this is probably true of most abusers. They are cowards and when someone actually stands up to them, they generally back off.

There are ways out of this horrendous situation. There are women’s refuges who will help you so that you can get yourself out of the abusive home. Once you are out and can think about what options there are for you, there are life coaches who can help you see yourself as you, the real person, and not a punch bag.

If I had known about life coaching back then I would have been the very first client.

There is no reason good enough to actually justify staying in an abusive relationship.

If you can identify with this, and you would like to chat, get in touch today. I have also launched my Survivor coaching programme and you can find details here